An Unexpected Journey

We can't totally "do Christmas" yet.  We escape to a beach in South Carolina.  A place I have never been.  To make new memories.  Try to avoid some of the old.  I pull aside heavy curtains the first morning to peek at crashing swells pummeling against white sand.  I catch my breath.  I have not seen it since she died.  I spent the last week of her life watching her chase seagulls and splashing in the blue.  Toes in the warm sand and ears held up to shiny shells.  Fortunately, little cries pull me away, and I really have no time alone to contemplate. Christmas Eve.  We give the girls presents and help them tear paper.  Capture their cuteness with a lens.  Try to freeze the memories in time.  Burn them deep into my mind.    'Oooh mouths' and tiny reaching fingers meet warm cinnamon rolls.  Slobbery kisses and snuggles in bed.  Brush aside the moments of nausea and missing.  Hurry past the toys in stores that she had wanted for Christmas before she di

How do I describe the holidays in a life like mine?  It is hard to put into words.  Pain and joy are interwoven in a pattern unique to this season of my life.    The thread of thankfulness.  I thank God I have a reason to shop this year.   We buy the girls a few toys.   I ask Cameron if he can believe they are almost a year old.  His voice faltering, he says, “They saved our lives.”   I am caught by his answer.  Surprised at the deep truth popping so unexpectedly from his quivering lips.  A throbbing thankfulness shoots across my heart… The thread of aching.  One morning on the way to work I hurt so badly that it is physical.  A knife ripping through my chest.  Venomous thoughts tear through my mind.  A crushing desire for everyone to hurt this way so I won’t be alone in this bizarre alternate reality of holiday horror.   As if it would lessen my pain.   I hate that I can have these wicked thoughts.  I know why they say hurting people hurt people.   I picture the whole world

I wish I had something profound to write.   Something about the miracle of Christmas and time and hope.   But I can’t quite seem to conjour those words up to the muddy surface of my mind.   Maybe in another week it will seem clearer.   I catch a glimpse of the holiday light here and there in my swirling thoughts, but nothing I can latch on to yet.   I have had my feet washed this weekend, though, and for that I am thankful.   I mean I have been listened to and hugged and helped and my babies have been covered over with love by a very special visitor whose family sacrificed a lot to bring the water of herself to our raw and fragile lives.    And some others joined her, too. We did put up a Christmas tree, and the word HoPe   sits on my mantle all red and sparkly, drawing the eye and luring the heart.    Makiah’s green eyes laugh at us through a half dozen picture frames and old ornaments scattered about.   She would want the babies to have a pretty first Christmas.   She love