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If Only

If only I could sleep.

The cool sheets press against me.  The dark shadows dance on the ceiling.  Soft breathing comes from the bassinets near my bed.  In the dim light Makiah smiles at me from the painting on my wall.   The hands on the clock creep by as minutes become hours.   My mind takes a turn down a slippery, treacherous path.  It wants to tread there.  No!  It hates to go there, but the pull of memories is like quicksand.  In the still of night, I am too tired to fight.  I am sinking. 

the accident- the scream- the crunch of metal- shattered glass- spinning- the blood- pulling me out-  her body hanging in the car seat-  people stopping- they won't touch her- horror- disbelief- my baby!- more screaming...

Pounding heart.  Oh God!  Oh God!  I moan.  If only I could forget.  If only we had taken the bigger car like we discussed.   If only I had buckled her in on my side like I usually did.  If only we had left early in the morning like I woke up contemplating.  If only we had not stopped in Jacksonville when Cameron had a bad feeling.  If only we had gone a different way home... which we almost did.  If only we had not stopped at McDonalds in Valdosta.  If only we had never gone to the beach, but the in-laws had said they would take care of her while I was on bed rest there.   If only I could go back.  If only we could make just one different choice. It's a terrible novel, and we choose the wrong ending- the wrong chapter. If only I could forget.  If only...  If only...  If only...

If only I could sleep.

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