Skip to main content

Not Yet


Oh, grass, why won’t you grow?  My baby’s grave all dusty dry.  Bare as bones and fresh as the day we laid her there.  All around the lush grass grows and new life covers over ugly dirt.  Another buried after mine is just around the corner.  Beneath her stone the ground is green as if it were untouched.  Spring came and  bloomed around her headstone.  But not my baby’s grave.   

Oh, grass, why won't you grow?  You make tears spring to my eyes.  The stone’s shadow falls on bareness- a wound in the earth- a schism in the universe.  The pact between life and death was broken and her breath was stolen too soon.  Even the earth seems to know it was not meant to be this way.  It refuses to cover the gash.   As if the dirt is screaming that the belly of the earth should not have been torn open for this little one… no, not yet.  From the bird’s eye, all is lush and geen in this field of sacred stones- except the reddish plot where nature itself objects to what is unnatural- the death of giggly laughter and hair of sunshine and eyes green like the sea.  

 Oh grass why won’t you grow?  Almost a full year and it looks barely a week ago.  Seeds we have planted but to no avail.  Perhaps the birds have picked them away.  An anomaly in the meadow.  Maybe the earth is waiting for my heart to heal.  Could it be a mirror of my own refusal to accept?  A mystery of reflection?  The soul seen clearly in muddy dirt?  The life just can’t seem to cover over the death… to heal up earth or heart.  Ten months is just too short.  A turning of the head.  A blinking of the eye.  And so the dirt lies fresh.  And so the heart lies torn.  Perhaps waiting for my grip to loosen, to slip a little… no, not yet.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Deafening Silence

In a single second my life has been radically altered.  My precious gift from God, sweet Makiah Kaitlyn, has gone to be with Jesus long before her time.  I know in my heart that she is happy, but my arms are so empty... my house so dreadfully quiet.  I feel at times that a horrible blackness has enveloped me.  I feel as though my insides are screaming.  I am clawing and fighting to break out of this torturous body- to escape from this oppressive reality, but I cannot escape.  The dark anguish leaps on me again and again.  It sits on my chest and presses against my very life breath.  My heart feels utterly crushed and broken- pummeled into a thousand pieces.  Life as I knew it has been shattered and the shards that are left are painful and sharp.  Cutting me as I try to walk through them.  This is the valley of the shadow of death.  How dark is that shadow! Her room is perfectly untouched.  All of the dolls in her dollhouse family are piled into their little bed together where she lef
Post a Comment
Read more

Toes

Outside the sky is grey and dreary.  I feel it should rain torrents today.  I think the whole earth should cry out in grief.  I feel my heart pounding in my head.  My eyes will barely open, and I think no more tears can possibly come.  Maybe I will stand in the rain and borrow the tears from the sky. I look down at sparkly pink toes, and they are lonely.  Makiah, our last Sunday together you spent the morning in bed with Mommy (because I am on bed rest).  We ate fruit loops and snuggled.  We practiced drawing your letters and painted our fingers and toes.  You wanted rainbow toes, but I didn't have the colors with me.  I promised I'd paint you rainbow toes later.  Once we were all pink you said, "I got an idea!  Let's put sparklies over the pink, and you have to do it, too, Mommy, so we can be twins!"  You are such a princess!  So pink toes became sparkly toes.  We giggled and hugged and admired our matching feet. Now mine sit all alone.  Ten toes that should
Post a Comment
Read more

Wells of Living Water

My eyes filled with tears when my mother-n-law told me of her friend's idea.  This sweet lady, whom I've never met, wanted to know if she could do something special in honor of Makiah.  She said God had put it on her heart to start a well project for her.  She would sell "living water well charms" through Operation Blessing International to raise money to build a well for underprivelaged children in a poverty stricken country.  She said when 600 charms have been purchased, a well with a permanent plaque would be built to commemorate Makiah's life.  Not only was this an amazing idea, it was linked to my daughter's heart in a way that shocked me... What this thoughtful lady could not have known was that only 2 weeks before the accident, Makiah came into the kitchen on a Sunday morning carrying her whole piggy bank.  She told me she wanted to take it all to "give to the kids who need clean water."  The preschool class at church had been raising money
Post a Comment
Read more