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Friday, August 19, 2011

Grace for the Morning

I have not let myself think about it.  Really.   I heard someone say once that we don't have the grace for something in advance... just that day.  So I figure the grace to face the hearing and the boy-man and the evidence will be there in the morning and not before.  I wish someone would tell my subconscious, though.

I dreamed someone was babysitting her.  When I went to pick her up, they had let some of their family take her off with a few of her friends.  And I knew.  I knew she was gone.   When their van pulled into the driveway, all the friends got out, but she was not there.  I screamed at the adults hysterically the whole dream- yelling at them that they had lost her.

Then the next night I was at the top of a grassy hill.  I could see her down at the bottom sitting in a lounge chair  just at the edge of the woods.  She was playing with a baby doll.  Suddenly I could hear the sound of something terrible and mighty coming in the woods.  A foreboding crunching of leaves and twigs.  I screamed for her to run.  She ran up the hill towards my arms, and in my dream, I somehow was thinking- this is it.  This is when I get to hold her again.  I was trying to remember what it felt like for her cheek to be touching mine. I reached for her. She jumped into my arms, and as I pulled her close to me... she vanished.

I have no control.  I am powerless.  I can't protect her.  I can't even hold her.  Oh, to have sweet dreams of my baby... I have only had three since she died.  One where we hugged and clung to each other for the longest, and another where I washed her face and fixed her hair as if for the last time.  Those were last October.  Recently I had one of her and the babies all together. I wanted to live in that one... to not wake up. But that is all.  Mostly the nights are full of aching and horror.  Sleep is there, but rest is elusive.  I feel somehow that the grace will be here in the morning for tomorrow.  But where is the grace for the nights???

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