Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

16 Weeks and 5 Days

16 weeks and 5 days today.   That's how long I have been carrying this little one.  Last night I lay in bed and felt anxious for no particular reason.  I knew that this time was approaching, but I hadn't figured out exactly the day.  As I lay there calculating, it dawned on me that it would be tomorrow.  It's amazing how your subconscious can be aware of things without you even realizing it.  Our counselor had warned us this sort of thing would happen as the girls grew older.

So this morning I sit on the back porch watching the pink sky and trying not to think about it.  That when I was 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant with the twins, Makiah died.   She asked me constantly before she died if the girls could hear her voice yet.  She would talk to them and tell them how cute they were.  She would exclaim, "Little babies, you are soooo loved!"  Every night she would give them each a kiss and a "hug" through my belly.  It was her own idea!

The girls are toddling around the porch blissfully unaware of mommy's inner turmoil.  I don't know if they could hear her voice yet.  One website says yes and another no.   I feel anxious.  October 8th started off as perfectly as today.  I think that we will stay home all day and hold my breath until it is over.  Then I read the words in my little book... There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears has not been made perfect in love.  1 John 4:18  I can't believe that is the scripture for today!  I read it to the girls a few times.  I whisper to the pink sky.  Oh God please help me to be perfected in your love!  I don't understand so many things.  I don't know how to face each day bravely when the outcome is veiled... how to trust you are with me when I know what feelings of abandonment can seize us in a an instant as life turns on its head.  But here are your words in black and white-  Perfect love casts out fear!  Drive it far from me today and embrace me with your love as I embrace the mystery of this truth!

And He did.  I packed the girls up and started with a trip to the store.  We have read books in Makiah's room and looked at her pictures and cried (well, I did anyway... little ones just wanted to slobber on them!).   We made oatmeal cookies together... sort of.  The main ingredients included several spills, screaming (the twins), and laughter (me- what else can you do?).   So now we are eating hot, yummy cookies and celebrating instead that today I am 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant with what appears to be another little princess!  What was a disastrous day during my last pregnancy,  has turned out to be a perfectly ordinary, messy one this time.  And I whisper again... this time a thanks for the embrace of peace breathed into me in early morning light.

No comments:

Post a Comment