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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Unanswered Prayer

I am a magnet for four year old girls. We have been on a little vacation with my parents, and at the pool I seem to have constant companions who want to play with the twins. And they are all four year old girls. And my sweeties love it. And I cannot help but go there... to the what ifs.

A few hours before the accident Cameron had a bad feeling and we prayed Psalm 91 and asked for protection on our trip. An unanswered prayer. But what if God had answered us with a miracle? What if she were here with us?

I think back to another "what if." What if I had gotten pregnant again when I planned? The pinings for baby number two started when Makiah was barely one. My whole life I had been waiting for the day when I would have a rowdy house full of sweet little munchkins. Every month was a roller coaster of excited hoping and then a crash of disappointment when that little test was negative again. I remember purposely trying to turn my energy and focus on my time with Makiah. What if she was my only child? Then what a shame it would be to waste her one sweet childhood wishing for other babies that may never come.

Now I look back and see that if the Lord had given me what I so desperately thought I wanted- more children then- I would not have spent all of Makiah's short life being wrapped up in her. She was my little buddy and totally a mama's girl. We did everything together. Undistracted time with Makiah.   A blessing of unanswered prayer.

And the very miracle that I so desperately prayed for during those years found me this January... when I least expected it.  While I was busily nursing and caring for twin  eleven month olds, God  was giving me what I considered slight insanity.. an unrelenting desire to be pregnant again- against all common sense!  I started the process of infertility consultation with no idea whatsoever that our little miracle already had a heartbeat!   Just in time to help my broken heart feel the pulse of God's love still beating for me.

As I sit in the darkness riding home from  our trip, I think of how  so much of our understanding is darkened by our limited view... those few feet in front that the headlights may show us.  So much mystery that we cannot understand in the moment.  Unanswered prayers.  Miracles given without even a prayer uttered.   My husband and I mix our voices with the lyrics pulsing from our dashboard... "And Lord, unto You be all the glory..."

 And I see a little farther into the darkness.  The gifts and the pain of unanswered prayers are all for one thing.  His glory.

Hands on the bulging belly.  Eyes wet with the missing.  Lips curled up with the joy of the little one dancing deep inside.  And I sing it a little bit louder...

Unto You be all the glory.

My Romance by Christ for the Nations

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