Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

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Monday, December 24, 2012

I Believe

I hoist her up on the changing table to change the bazillionth diaper of the day.

"Mommy is a scared." Abby says.

I look at her with a puzzled expression. Where did that come from?

 "Mommy isn't scared, baby. I am just changing your diaper."

"Mommy is a scared," she says again.

The sight of her lips swollen up huge flashes through my mind. I have been struggling with fear since she was stung by the bee, and we got the diagnosis. Serious bee allergy... Anaphylactic reaction... Epi pens ... Likely to be much worse next time... The doctor's words float through my mind. If I learned anything from Makiah's death, it's that tragedy is often fiercely unpredictable and our control of life is tenuous at best. Nevertheless, an actual diagnosis that could potentially cause the death of another one of my children has made my insides tremble... fear rearing its ugly head.

But my 22 month old couldn't possibly know about any of that. .. the secret struggles of my heart. Then she says this.

"Mommy is a scared but de angel is a beside a mommy."

"Excuse me?" Now she has my full attention.

"Mommy is a scared but de angel is a beside a mommy," she says it as normally as if she had just told me she was hungry.

"Where is the angel, baby?" I ask in disbelief.

She points right next to me and grins.

Now, we have a toy nativity set, and I know she knows what an angel is. I think she is surely referring to that little plastic guy with the wings in the living room. So I ask if the angel is little, and I show her with my hands.

She shakes her head no and pulls herself up to standing on the changing table.

"De angel is a biiiiig!" She exclaims with arms spread out wide.

What just happened? I shake my head in bewilderment. Did she really just say that? I hug my girl close, and I notice that my heart feels a bit lighter...

I won't tell you what to think about this because I am not sure what to believe myself. I will tell you that it happened just that way. Would God allow a little child to see an angel that her mommy is blind to? He might.

What I can tell you for sure is that He is real. Jesus, I mean. And that God did allow his son to be born as a little baby into this broken, painful world. An innocent child meant to take the fall for all of us who have grown up and made bad choices and inflicted pain on others. Why? Because it is real! The perfect place he wants to take us to is real. His love is real. He is real. His angels are real.

What happened with Abby reminds me to marvel this Christmas. To fix my eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Words quoted even by the President of the United States as he stood before the broken at Sandy Hook last week. Why? Because it is real. And this Christmas more than ever, I believe.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

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