Skip to main content

Birthday Fog

Today is Mother's Day and the sun is just creeping up when I sneak out on the porch.  Whispy white vapors blanket the neighborhood so thickly I can barely see the trees across the street. It is foggy.

And I think it should be. Exactly eight years ago at this very time, I was checking into the hospital and filling out paper work for labor and delivery. Eight hours later Makiah would make her grand entrance and I would become a mommy. And there are so many things I don't understand. So many things that are shrouded by a foggy veil.

Alena asked at lunch today where Makiah's birthday present was. A few short weeks ago I was tucking her in for a nap on the afternoon of Easter. I told her to sleep good so we could hunt eggs when she woke up. Then she exclaimed with such excitement "And Makiah will be here!" I asked why she thought Makiah would be here, and she replied "Because we have her Easter basket." Of course, what child would leave behind her Easter basket? I remembered I had used her basket to decorate in the dining room and then tried to explain to my three year old that Makiah was in heaven. She seemed so diappointed, and said we needed to send Kiah her basket.

Abby told me one night as I was tucking her in that she wanted to jump on Makiah's bed with her. She said "Mommy, I will share my toys with her." She just wanted to play with her big sister . All I can do is pray that God will give me wisdom and help me to answer these little people in a way that will draw them to Him. I never feel prepared for these surprise conversations.

 Today I should be throwing a party for my eight year old princess instead of sitting on my couch crying and eating chocolate covered strawberries.  Maybe some of you are crying today for that reason, too.  Maybe the tears slip from your eyes because you have lost your mother or because you have never gotten the chance to be a mother.  And I am glad again today that our feelings don't define our faith.  I read Job 19:25 this morning, "For I know my Redeemer lives, and in the end He will stand on the earth. And though my flesh it be destroyed, yet with my eyes I will see God." And with my real eyes I will see Makiah, too!  We can have hope because the resurrection is real and our Redeemer is real!

And even though it is foggy here now, one day we will see clearly. And then all the birthdays will be happy.   And we won't be counting the years since we have said goodbye.  Until then, dear Makiah, I hope the Lord will let you know how much you are loved and missed on your eighth birthday, even by the little sisters you haven't had the chance to meet yet!

1 Corinthians 13:12 "For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face..."

 The twins wore Makiah's dresses today.  Giving each other sweet sister hugs and giggles...


Can you believe there was a rainbow over our old house in Cairo on her birthday!?  Several people sent me pictures! 

Add caption
Thank you to the sweet family who put the beautiful flowers on her grave!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Deafening Silence

In a single second my life has been radically altered.  My precious gift from God, sweet Makiah Kaitlyn, has gone to be with Jesus long before her time.  I know in my heart that she is happy, but my arms are so empty... my house so dreadfully quiet.  I feel at times that a horrible blackness has enveloped me.  I feel as though my insides are screaming.  I am clawing and fighting to break out of this torturous body- to escape from this oppressive reality, but I cannot escape.  The dark anguish leaps on me again and again.  It sits on my chest and presses against my very life breath.  My heart feels utterly crushed and broken- pummeled into a thousand pieces.  Life as I knew it has been shattered and the shards that are left are painful and sharp.  Cutting me as I try to walk through them.  This is the valley of the shadow of death.  How dark is that shadow! Her room is perfectly untouched.  All of the dolls in her dollhouse family are piled into their little bed together where she lef

Toes

Outside the sky is grey and dreary.  I feel it should rain torrents today.  I think the whole earth should cry out in grief.  I feel my heart pounding in my head.  My eyes will barely open, and I think no more tears can possibly come.  Maybe I will stand in the rain and borrow the tears from the sky. I look down at sparkly pink toes, and they are lonely.  Makiah, our last Sunday together you spent the morning in bed with Mommy (because I am on bed rest).  We ate fruit loops and snuggled.  We practiced drawing your letters and painted our fingers and toes.  You wanted rainbow toes, but I didn't have the colors with me.  I promised I'd paint you rainbow toes later.  Once we were all pink you said, "I got an idea!  Let's put sparklies over the pink, and you have to do it, too, Mommy, so we can be twins!"  You are such a princess!  So pink toes became sparkly toes.  We giggled and hugged and admired our matching feet. Now mine sit all alone.  Ten toes that should

Wells of Living Water

My eyes filled with tears when my mother-n-law told me of her friend's idea.  This sweet lady, whom I've never met, wanted to know if she could do something special in honor of Makiah.  She said God had put it on her heart to start a well project for her.  She would sell "living water well charms" through Operation Blessing International to raise money to build a well for underprivelaged children in a poverty stricken country.  She said when 600 charms have been purchased, a well with a permanent plaque would be built to commemorate Makiah's life.  Not only was this an amazing idea, it was linked to my daughter's heart in a way that shocked me... What this thoughtful lady could not have known was that only 2 weeks before the accident, Makiah came into the kitchen on a Sunday morning carrying her whole piggy bank.  She told me she wanted to take it all to "give to the kids who need clean water."  The preschool class at church had been raising money