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17 years ago- I Remember

It was just a few weeks ago.

Tears falling down.  

She doesn’t think she can do this.

Walk down that aisle.

To lay her baby to rest.

And I remember.

Her hands trembling.

She can’t get her earrings in.

Family steps in to help.

It can’t be real.

And I remember. 

She can’t get to the front.

It may as well be miles.

Heavy feet pushing forward against all that is right.

They have to hold her arms.

And I remember.

Songs echo across empty dreams.

The words attempt to hug her heart.

They try to breathe out hope and covering.

But she can’t stop shaking.

And I remember.

The day no mother ever wants to open her eyes to.

Because your child’s eyes won’t.

Just keep taking the next breath I say to her.

In and out right now.

And I remember.

I also remember the first inkling of hope.

The first time I heard God again.

The first time I prayed again.

The first time I stepped in church again.

The first time I opened my bible again.

I remember the two lines on the pregnancy test.

The biggest surprise ever.

The laugh that welled up.

The first time I felt loved by God again.

I remember the isolation.

The utter loneliness of grief.

The unwanted silence.

And the friends who reached out.

The rainbow toes.

The flowers and butterflies and balloons that carried His love.

I remember how I cried on the long drive to work every morning because I was truly alone with my thoughts. And exhausted.

Even 3 years later.

I remember when that far away friend asked if we could pray together on the phone early in the morning once a week.

She didn’t know.

And God stepped into my car.

Over and over again there were little signs.


And He put me back together again.


He made me brand new.


And I remember.

17 years since you breathed your first.

13 years since you breathed your last.

So. Many. Steps. On. This. Journey.

I wouldn’t have chosen.

So. Many. Things. I. Don’t. Understand.

But one day I will see clearly.

So. Many. Ways. He. Intervened. 

And I will remember.

On your 17th birthday I will remember.

And pray for that mama.  

That one day she will have a resurrection to remember.

Isaiah 46:9
“Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.”

John 14:26
“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”

Psalm 143:5
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands.



  1. Hi Rachel, I’m a friend of your mom’s from Wellspring. I don’t read your blog regularly but did today. It brought me to tears and grief for you, and for the other moms I know whose children were called home too early (by our reckoning). This poem is beautiful and heart-shattering. I am given courage by your description of being made new. May the legacy of your daughter be ever-increasing ripples in the ocean of God’s grace.


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