An Unexpected Journey

A dear friend sent me a photo today of a bubbling brook and peaceful rushing waters.   She texted me “as I watched the crisp fresh water bubbling from that spring it reminded me of Makiah, and I grasped my necklace of her Living Water Well that I wear 99.9% of the time.   It made me smile as I remembered all the sweet little girls that are now able to go to school and live somewhat normal lives because of Makiah’s dream.   This photo makes me happy and helps me to remember her beauty.   It has no filter or editing, simply God’s creation in all its splendor.”   Tears sprang to my eyes.   Happy tears that Makiah still comes to my friend’s mind.   Joy that the money Makiah gave from her piggy bank shortly before her death to help build a well at church has multiplied into many wells.   And amazement that this text came today, when today was the day I planned to blog about all the new wells! Yes there are more!   There are elev...

This blog has been about sharing my journey.   Being vulnerable.   There was a time when I needed to scream my pain to the world.   Not so much now.   I tend to find myself wanting to wait to write about things until they are resolved.   Perfect.   Or at least not so messy.   But the truth is we all wade through messy in one way or another.   And sometimes we might need to know we are not alone in our uncertainty. So here is a peek at my messiness… and the reason why I have been tired and nauseated and slower to blog than I should be! There is only one color that every pregnant woman dreads, even if secretly.   And one   Tuesday night a few weeks ago it showed up out of no where.   We were eight weeks pregnant and had just seen the newbie (yes, baby number 5!!)   on ultrasound for the first time a few days before.   Every thing had seemed perfect.   But now it seemed almost certain I was miscarrying.   I ...

The sky grew black as the eastern hemisphere   rotated into the darkness.   Away from the light of the sun the night became cold.   The hearts had grown cold long ago.   Plunged into darkness by a wayward choice.   A stretch for power beyond ourselves. A taste had sentenced the generations to darkness of heart and coldness of spirit that even the   warm morning sun   could not drive away. Except that night there was a rather brilliant star intruding on the inky blackness.   The   dazzling twinkle taunted its pale brothers in the sky.   And it drew the eye.   Captured the gaze.   And for centuries before there had been twinkles of light that seemed to point the way.   Signs of hope given in the midst of despair.   The light of miracles and divine intervention.   Dotting history, they had grabbed the heart and drawn the gaze.   Illuminating the path and giving hope of ...

I have had one Thanksgiving with Maddie Grace, two with the twins, Abby and Alena, and four with Makiah.  I don’t know what it is about the holidays that makes us want to look back.  I guess memories of love and togetherness, good food and fun all roll up into a sort of intangible slice of heaven.  Despite the chaos  and perhaps even wreckage we may pull those memories from.   I mean its messy down here for sure.  Just in our family this week my grandmother had emergency brain surgery (she is doing great though).  My parents new house didn’t get built in time for us to get into it until this afternoon despite my mom’s lovely plans of being settled in weeks ago.  Two of the four littles here with the family have been sick so we are quarantined from the older folks and other littles.  Even though we are here in Alabama, we will likely need to have a separate Thanksgiving and miss out on visiting.  I mean, it’s just plain messy.  ...

Sitting in church with music swirling all around... it seems so clear who I want to be.  I want to be that person who gets up with the sun to read my bible (consistently).  I want to dig deep into scripture and uncover truths that bring life to the soul.  I want my house to be blanketed with peace because it is filled often and in many ways with worship.  I want to be my husband’s biggest cheerleader.  I want to be a patient and present mother who effectively disciples my children’s hearts and disciplines their behaviors.  I want my life to be marked by God’s presence and not the absence of it. It all seems so clear. And clearly unattainable.   If I depend on me.  I just can’t seem to change myself.  I just can’t seem to get it all together... to juggle the balls without dropping one.   Not in my own strength.  And I, of all people, should have learned by now that to live is to be desperate for God.  I sat in t...

We are finally getting settled in our permanent home here.  And I am exhausted. From unpacking a house.  With three babies.  And working a job.   I wish I had an amazing post full of deep things to share, but to be perfectly honest I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this!  Nevertheless, I have not shouted to the world how thankful I am even in this difficult season of Makiah’s heaven day to have a reason to celebrate...  my reason came as a complete and total surprise.  The BEST surprise of my life (my other kids weren’t surprises so I can say that).  She has blonde hair and blue eyes, and she loves to snuggle.  She cuddles and kisses and ends every night tucked in our bed where she has to be touching both of us.  She is vibrant and full of life and joy, and I can’t tell you how many times I have thought that she was sent to bring kisses from heaven!   She is my Maddie Grace.  And she just turned one!  In case...

Dearest Makiah, Some days I feel like I am living in a different life.   New town, new church, new house,   new job, new kids.   (I did keep your Daddy, though! )  But the signs of you are still all around.   I folded your pink princess blanket and put it in our hall closet last night.   Yesterday Alena came out of my bathroom wearing your old rain boots.   She stomped around proudly in her diaper and your aqua blue boots with white polka dots.   In the move this past week I stumbled on a big box of size 5 clothes I had bought for you.   Tags still hanging forlornly.  I guess we had tucked them away after you left us, and I forgot.   And of course there are four sets of rainbow toes in our house today.   Eye catching.  Bright and wiggly.    Just like you. At school I find myself looking for the second graders.   Imagining what you might look like now.    Would your legs be lanky and you...