An Unexpected Journey

Abigail Kaitlyn King                     Alena Kaitlyn King Waiting.  Excited.  Anxious.  Breathe.  Bright white lights. My legs gone. Blue curtain up. Keep breathing. Cameron's eyes. Look deep.  Minutes. Hold my breath... cries! And cries again!  They are breathing! Joy! Relief! Happy tears. Sweet kisses. Arms full... Many people.  Many prayers. Many, many thanks. Born February 22, 2011 6 lb 0 oz                    4 lb 13 oz Abby & Alena

Joy and grief are opposites.  Like oil and water they do not mix... do they?  How can they coexist?  I wrote  almost a year ago that I felt there was hanging over us either a great joy or a great sorrow concerning a possible adoption we were holding our breath about.  I always pictured that life was a series of ups and downs- victorious mountain top experiences tempered by valleys of striving and disappointment.  I think now that Rick Warren is right.  Life is more like a railroad track made with two rails hammered together.  One side of the track is joy and victory, while the other rail is suffering and disappointment.  The two opposites run parallel and are connected at all times throughout our lives on earth. And that is where I sit as February 22, 20011, c-section day, draws closer- looking down the rail road tracks. Will I laugh or cry or do both at the same time?  We have waited sooo long for these little ones.  They have ...

I have been dreaming about Makiah this week.  I keep her close to me wherever we go.  I look at her pretty little hands and hold them tight. I tell her to stay right beside Mommy.  In some dreams the ominous tornadoes are coming... swirling towards us with rage.  I cover her up, and we hunker down together until they have past.   But the rumbling sky seems to send them in endless waves.  Even when there are no tornadoes and we are just living life, it is never safe.  No matter what I do or how closely I hold her, she inevitably vanishes.  Occasionally, I wake up before she disappears.  I suppose this is merciful, but maybe not.  The dream and the reality are the same.  We are so quick to tell people that things will be okay.  One day in heaven they will be, but I will forever use those words cautiously here on this earth.  Do we really know that or is it easier to say things will be fine rather than spend the emotio...

I like things to be neat and tidy.  I like my spice drawer to be in alphabetical order.  My husband says I am a "pocket perfectionist," meaning I have certain pockets of life that I like to keep just so.  I like to have things figured out and to have myself together.  I am a rule follower.  I can't help but look at situations that turned out badly and try to extract a 'rule' I can follow to prevent it from happening again.  There is no rule that I can come up with for this.  I cannot figure it out. I am a mess.  My babies are coming and I am flailing in a sea of grief.  My nursery is ready, but how can I be?  I thought at the beginning of this terrible journey that I had to have all this "worked through" before February so I could be a good mommy.  Yes, I go to counseling, but I laugh now at the notion that I could  "fix" me.  No one can.  A friend recently said to me that after Jacob wrestled with God, his walk was...

Makiah's preschool class had to bring a "Me Bag" to school of things that were special to them and described who they were.  I happened to video it at home shortly before the accident.  Sadly, the sound isn't great until the end as our camera was apparently on the blitz, and I'm not a great videographer.  Also, the twin baby dolls were already being played with somewhere else and weren't in the video; although they did make the original Me Bag.  Nevertheless,  it is our precious last glimpse of her...  ironically telling all about herself.  Missing my sweetheart so badly on this gray, yucky day and wanting to share her with you... Click this link to view on YouTube. The Me Bag on YouTube Click on this link to view through your Facebook account.   The Me Bag on Facebook