Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Peanut butter and honey sandwiches.  It’s amazing how good the simple things can taste when you are really hungry.  It’s the first time I have had peanut butter on a sandwich since Makiah died.  Peanut butter in any form was her favorite food, and I just couldn’t bring myself to eat it.  Until today.  And it was good.  And I think she would have smiled.

There are a lot of things that I locked away and wouldn’t, couldn’t  do since she left us.  I wish I could say that I was quoting scripture and saying faith promises as I dug my way through the heavy dirt of the first year’s grief.  But I didn’t.  In fact, I didn’t really read my bible for an entire year.  A verse here and there maybe, but I just couldn’t seem to bear to read it.  The promises rang hollow, and it felt as though the words were mocking me.  But this January I decided something had to change in me or I would wither up and die inside.  Well, actually I thought I already had, and I needed a resurrection. 

So I bought a one year chronological bible.  I have never read the bible in a year (and I still might not because I am a month behind right now!), and I have never read it in chronological order.  I love that I just flip to the next date and read and the stories make so much sense in context!  I know there is great merit in lengthy scripture study and meditation.  But when you are really hungry and you haven’t eaten in long time, the simple things taste best.

Somehow as I am reading the Old Testament stories each night, I feel life blooming deep again.  I see the faith and pain of others and the mystery of a God whose ways are beyond our understanding but whose love is within our grasp.  And I know that for me the next step really is simple.  Just keep reading.  Don’t stop turning the pages.  Of  the Book.  Or the next day.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Happy Birthday Sweet Makiah!

Dearest Makiah,
Mommy and Daddy were there for both.  Your coming into this world and your going out.  Both were painful and messy- although in very different ways- but how beautiful were the moments in between!  Four years, four months, and twenty eight days of precious minutes.  Full of diapers and sillies and tears and messes.  Mermaids and "tiny fings."   Trips to the "liberry" and dreams of princess hair that "went all the way down to the bottom!"   Tickles in your "armpicks," peanut butter on a spoon that was "galicious" and veggies that were "asgusting." Memories pressed deeply into your mommy's heart.  Even if the details slip away when my mind is old and worn, the love of you is permanently engraved.

Makiah.  Makiah Kaitlyn King.  You told me often that you wanted people to call you by your whole name, silly girl!  Your name is special to my heart.  Makiah comes from a Hebrew name (spelled Macaiah) found in 2 Chronicles 18.  The story is of a prophet who spoke only the truth in the face of an entire generation of prophets that had become people pleasers and left God behind.  He was also one of the few people in the bible who had a vision of the throne room of God and stood in His Presence.  But most special to me is what the Hebrew word means- "Who is like Yahweh?"  Sometimes I would stop and think about how every time we said your name, we were really saying "Who is like God?"  And Kaitlyn means "pure."  So all together it meant "Who is pure like Yahweh?"  Your whole life was meant to point to Him.  Before you took your first breath, your name declared His goodness.  And now, even though you have taken your last, I pray that your story will ring out the truth that is still true.  That Yahweh is good and pure and there is no one like Him.  And though I cannot understand why your life story was written so short, I hope it will stand out against a generation of naysayers who have forgotten that there is but One God, and no other is like Him.

So that is mommy's birthday present to you today sweet Makiah.  On your 6th birthday, as you stand in the throne room of God and celebrate life in heaven, your mommy will shout through my fingertips and the tears- Makiah...  "Who is like Yahweh?"  Faithful.  Mysterious.  Good.  Pure.  Love.  The moments we had on this earth together could not have come from anyone less.  And in the eternity we have yet to spend in heaven together I know we will declare the mystery of your name in praise to the One who created us both.  Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl!

Love All Ways Always,

May 11 2006... Makiah's First Breaths

1st Birthday

2nd Birthday

3rd Birthday

4th Birthday

Makiah aka Ariel with "Cinderella" and "Belle"

Friday, May 4, 2012

A Glimmer Remains

I pushed it down all week.  Deep inside I shoved the words.  I ran from the image.  Several time it seized my thoughts, but I shoved it away with the power of distraction.  Until today.  I am alone.  The ride home from work.  No one to distract.  No tv or Facebook.  No demanding cries.  The radio can't seem to play loud enough.

Wailing escapes and my defense crumbles.  The memories triggered.  The brakes and the crunching.  The goodbye I cant escape.  The little one I cannot find.

The lawyers have been to visit the impounded cars again this week.  She said she could not help but cry when she looked inside.  Shattered windows.  Cobwebs now growing.  But they are still there.  Her pink sparkly flip flops.  The ones she wore that day.  A sign of my princess and her life and glittering love.  Now sitting in the mass of tangled metal and mildew.

A reflection of this journey.  Here sit nuggets of beauty and brightness and sparkle of life.   But nestled in such messy brokenness. In such a crumpled wad of death.

Now parked.  I drop my head and clutch the steering wheel.  Quieting the torrent.  I say I am sorry  to the little one listening now inside me.  Then I hear the words springing from my dashboard.  "... So cry out to Jesus."   Again and again he sings it.  Pointing me to the way I should go.  Another glimmer in the mess.  I call and cling.  Desperate for more than a glimmer.