Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Peanut butter and honey sandwiches. It’s amazing how good the simple things can taste when you are really hungry. It’s the first time I have had peanut butter on a sandwich since Makiah died. Peanut butter in any form was her favorite food, and I just couldn’t bring myself to eat it. Until today. And it was good. And I think she would have smiled.
There are a lot of things that I locked away and wouldn’t, couldn’t do since she left us. I wish I could say that I was quoting scripture and saying faith promises as I dug my way through the heavy dirt of the first year’s grief. But I didn’t. In fact, I didn’t really read my bible for an entire year. A verse here and there maybe, but I just couldn’t seem to bear to read it. The promises rang hollow, and it felt as though the words were mocking me. But this January I decided something had to change in me or I would wither up and die inside. Well, actually I thought I already had, and I needed a resurrection.
So I bought a one year chronological bible. I have never read the bible in a year (and I still might not because I am a month behind right now!), and I have never read it in chronological order. I love that I just flip to the next date and read and the stories make so much sense in context! I know there is great merit in lengthy scripture study and meditation. But when you are really hungry and you haven’t eaten in long time, the simple things taste best.
Somehow as I am reading the Old Testament stories each night, I feel life blooming deep again. I see the faith and pain of others and the mystery of a God whose ways are beyond our understanding but whose love is within our grasp. And I know that for me the next step really is simple. Just keep reading. Don’t stop turning the pages. Of the Book. Or the next day.