Tuesday, January 22, 2013
My heart is hurting for a family I know who just said goodbye to their baby. He was in his twenties and a daddy himself when he lost his long fight with illness. I have prayed for another family this week whose baby teeters precariously between life and death because of a tragic accident. He is four months old. Today my husband and I have cried for a man our age whose wife and two daughters went to heaven after a car wreck yesterday. He is alone. I have stared into the faces of the beautiful children at Sandy Hook and let the tears flow for those parents who still have unwrapped Christmas presents in their closets even though it is January. No little fingers are coming to open them.
Yesterday I couldn’t erase it from my mind. Her squirmy little body twisting under the covers in her tiny princess bed. Soft blonde curls spread across the pink satin pillow that pressed its coolness against her warm cheek. Her look of consternation when she said with all the seriousness a four year old could muster that she was scared to die. How could my little Makiah have known that she only had two short weeks left on this earth? Did she sense that it was coming? Was it demonic torment? Was it God trying to prepare her little heart… or mine? If so, then why was she afraid? Our bedtime talk haunts me.
I lay in the dark this morning snuggled with my little one, wanting desperately to be catching up on sleep, but the sadness of the week pulls me from my pillow.
I flip open my ipad and my eyes fall on Hebrews 11- the faith chapter. As I read the end it strikes me as strange. The writer talks about the great heroes of the faith.
He sums them up by saying,
“through faith they conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated- of whom the world was not worthy- wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.”
Now I know Paul and I were not in English 101 together, but generally the details are supposed to support the main idea. Do you notice the divergence here? This paragraph seems more than a little schizophrenic to me! One minute he is raving about how the heroes of faith have conquered the darkest evils of this world, and then in the next breath he is describing how great heroes of faith have suffered terrible pain and persecution and death. But he does it seamlessly. There is no rift between the two. His words have knit them together as if the playing out of their faith in either earthly success or defeat has the same end- victory.
Since Paul had the equivalent of multiple doctorates in his day and history esteems him to be much smarter than I am, I have to assume that he did this on purpose. As if to erase all the weight we put on carnal success in comparison to what we perceive as the failure of misery and death. No, actually he erases all comparison. On the scales of the book of Hebrews, those whose faith made them victorious and those whose faith upheld them through extensive suffering and to their last painful breath are found to be equal. The scales are balanced and there is no contrast made between the two at all.
Instead, Paul concludes in chapter 12 (comments in parenthesis are mine),
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (he calls them ALL great), let us lay aside every weight, and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us (whichever race that might be), looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him (being with US for eternity is that joy!) endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
How have I never seen this before? You can live and die “in faith.” And the particulars of the race that is set before you are not nearly as important as fixing your eyes on Jesus, lest you be swallowed up by despair or consumed by the fleeting pride of great earthly feats.
The heaviness of my heart for the broken families who have joined me in this path is made a bit lighter as once again the prize comes before the eyes of my heart- heaven! So many unanswered questions… but I will choose to focus today on what is sure. The incomparable reunions and wiping away of this blackest grief will surely come if we live and die in faith.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
I have really grappled with this since Makiah's death. And I don't have it figured out. Probably never will. How to pray???
"I have a bad feeling," he says. The last time he said that on a trip we came home without our daughter. Oh, we prayed psalm 91 for protection. I thought those sort of scriptures were promises back then. Sort of an unspoken contract that praying the right scripture ensured God's protection. Her death has left me floundering.
So today on the drive home when he says "I have a bad feeling," a knot forms in the pit of my stomach. My mind is scrambling for the way to pray. Claim protection? Ask for angels to gaurd us? I fumble for the words as a few muddled scriptures come to mind. Then I land on it.
The prayer of Jabez. Cameron preached on this recently. Jabez was a man in the bible whose name means " pain." His mother literally named him pain! It says he cried out to God and asked him to bless him and to keep him from evil/harm so that it wouldn't bring him pain. The bible says God granted his request.
So I pray it. I ask that God would put His hand on us and keep us from evil and harm and pain. Before, I might have thought this was a selfish prayer, but it's in there. Written in black and white for us to read. Jabez asked to be kept from pain.
And that day God granted his request.
And then I remember that Jesus prayed it, too. He said to ask that God would keep us from temptation. Then in the garden before his death, he asked God to let this cup pass from him. With blood and tears he cried out in inner agony and asked to be kept from evil and pain. But he finished by praying for God's will to be done regardless.
And that day God did not grant his request. At least not fully.
So when we look at life with that sinking feeling deep down, what can we do? We can ask to be kept from pain! We can't demand it because we live in a broken world where evil is permitted to exist. For a time. It will not always be this way. The day is coming when God will wrap things up down here and pain will be eradicated. The bible says he is stalling in hopes that more people will turn their hearts toward him and take the gift of life Jesus bought on that dreadful, glorious day when he drank the cup of pain and death. For. Us. He drank it so we don't have to. Oh, we will still have pain and death on earth. But we don't have to carry it into eternity. It doesn't have to go on forever. It doesn't have to be the end of the story now!
As we step into a new year, I don' t know what day it is for me or you. The day we are kept from evil or the day we must endure it. But I know what day is coming. The day when he will wipe the tears from our eyes forever! So as my family drives the rest of the way home, I fix my heart on that. And the butterflies deep down seem to lite on this truth. Their fluttering wings ceasing for now...