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Saturday, October 20, 2012


I can't get the words out of my head so I think I will write them.  Over and over I turn them.  Trying to wrap my mind around what they really mean.  For me.  Oh I forget for a few hours or maybe even a day or two.  But they just seem to keep tapping me on the shoulder, demanding that I pay them attention.

Do not love the world or anything in the world...

Well, if I am honest, I love a lot of things in the world.  I love most anything chocolate.  I like hot baths and good magazines, the cooking channel, and lazy days spent shopping (I don't have those anymore but I can still think they are fabulous!).  Mexican restuarants...  melty s'mores by a crackling fire on a crisp, cool night... I could go on and on.

...for if anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

Wow, that seems so strong.   Except maybe it means if the love of the Father is in me, I will be too full to love the world.  I won't have an appetite for earthly things... I am sure I will still enjoy them.  But maybe that God love can patch the holes in me, fill up the empty spaces so full I don't lean on my indulgences for support.  Maybe...

For all that is in the world- the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and the pride of life- is not from the Father but is from the world.  And the world is passing away along with all its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

Passing away.  Temporary.  All this that we see and touch and drink and wear is temporary.  I kissed my little green eyed girl tonight and her preciousness grabbed me.  That she will live forever- somewhere- siezed my heart.  And I felt the weight.  It is not mine to control her, but it is mine to teach her and model for her and point her to that love.  That love of the Father that fills up emptiness and heals the cracks of brokeness.  I will influence my family's eternity.  How will I swing the pendulum?  Toward earthly things that are passing away?  Or toward the love that compels us to do His will?  I feel the weight of it so strong.  Only this one life to live, and I fall so short.

I hear a whimper from the little Grace gift sleeping near my bed.  And I am reminded to call for grace... because it is not my doing that can change my mislaid affections.  Only that Father love that waits patiently for me to turn off the ipad and the satellite and the cell phone so that by abiding with him my heart can learn to value Forever. 

 1 John 2:15-17

Monday, October 8, 2012

Happily Ever After

Hot tears flood my eyes as I see rainbow toe pictures posted on Facebook.  Makiah's beloved preschool teachers are still remembering her in their classroom.  Papillon salon in Thomasville is donating part of the rainbow toe pedicures to the Well Project.  Even a girl scout troop is remembering her.  I got an amazing card from a sweet prayer lady and another from a mommy who lost her own child.  She is remembering my girl even though we have never met.  A pile of clothes came for my new little ones from a sweet cousin who must know that I think shopping is better than any medicine!  I really didn't expect people to remember the 2nd anniversary of her heaven day.  My heart is pricked by the beautiful notes and pictures sent my way.

Not many of us would choose suffering if we were given the option.    I certainly wouldn't.  In a moment of agony just recently I gritted my teeth and told God between the sobs that I didn't want this story.  I would not have written it this way.  I don't even like sad movies.  I used to say I didn't want to watch a movie unless it had a happily ever after ending.  And that's how I thought my life would turn out.  Doesn't every little princess hope for that blissful epilogue?

But I can't change it.  I didn't write the story.  It was the one I have been given.  Makiah is in heaven, and her family is here without her on earth.  In some moments I want to act like my toddlers and scream about it.  For the life that should have been and the memories we will never make.  For the isolation that in many ways comes with losing a child (those who share a similar story will understand...).  For the loss of her in her sisters' lives.   In our lives.  It feels so strange to have parented for over 6 years and only have little babies. 

Other days I feel numb to the loss.  It's almost as if I am living another life.  That person I was is gone... disappeared with her daughter and the family that was.  If I can just keep from conjuring up the painful memories of how that life was swept away...

Then I think of the message I heard last week.  The same way the disciples who rowed their boat into the storm at Jesus' command saw Jesus do a miracle that those others left safely on the shore didn't witness, those of us who walk through life's darkest storms will see God's glory in a way that we wouldn't have if we had stayed on the shore eating fish and chips.  Tears and hope mingle at these words.  The pain is not for nothing!  I didn't write this story, and thank God because the ending He has promised is far beyond what I can imagine.

So on Makiah's 2nd heaven day, I am missing my baby beyond words.  I am thinking of dear ones whose loss is even more fresh than mine.  I am hoping that together we can "take heart" because in the end we will see the glory of God.  I am touched by those of you who have honored my sweet Makiah in so many ways and taken the time to bring a smile to my face.  I am thankful that we grieve with arms so full.  And I will spend tonight reading about heaven.  Because this is not the end of the story.  And the real end will be happily ever after...

July 2010

Our Family 2009
Makiah checking out her rainbow 2009

We remember...  words penned on many photos!

"I love you all the way past Peter Pan Land," my little one!

"He who learns must suffer.  And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our despair, against our own will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."    Aeschylus

Click here to see all Makiah's Sisters with Rainbow Toes...