Not many of us would choose suffering if we were given the option. I certainly wouldn't. In a moment of agony just recently I gritted my teeth and told God between the sobs that I didn't want this story. I would not have written it this way. I don't even like sad movies. I used to say I didn't want to watch a movie unless it had a happily ever after ending. And that's how I thought my life would turn out. Doesn't every little princess hope for that blissful epilogue?
But I can't change it. I didn't write the story. It was the one I have been given. Makiah is in heaven, and her family is here without her on earth. In some moments I want to act like my toddlers and scream about it. For the life that should have been and the memories we will never make. For the isolation that in many ways comes with losing a child (those who share a similar story will understand...). For the loss of her in her sisters' lives. In our lives. It feels so strange to have parented for over 6 years and only have little babies.
Other days I feel numb to the loss. It's almost as if I am living another life. That person I was is gone... disappeared with her daughter and the family that was. If I can just keep from conjuring up the painful memories of how that life was swept away...
Then I think of the message I heard last week. The same way the disciples who rowed their boat into the storm at Jesus' command saw Jesus do a miracle that those others left safely on the shore didn't witness, those of us who walk through life's darkest storms will see God's glory in a way that we wouldn't have if we had stayed on the shore eating fish and chips. Tears and hope mingle at these words. The pain is not for nothing! I didn't write this story, and thank God because the ending He has promised is far beyond what I can imagine.
So on Makiah's 2nd heaven day, I am missing my baby beyond words. I am thinking of dear ones whose loss is even more fresh than mine. I am hoping that together we can "take heart" because in the end we will see the glory of God. I am touched by those of you who have honored my sweet Makiah in so many ways and taken the time to bring a smile to my face. I am thankful that we grieve with arms so full. And I will spend tonight reading about heaven. Because this is not the end of the story. And the real end will be happily ever after...
|Our Family 2009|
|Makiah checking out her rainbow 2009|
|We remember... words penned on many photos!|
|"I love you all the way past Peter Pan Land," my little one!|
"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our despair, against our own will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God." Aeschylus
Click here to see all Makiah's Sisters with Rainbow Toes...