Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Smiles and Stickers

My washer and dryer seem to hum their tune endlessly these days.  Tiny pink pajamas and bibs and burp cloths and downy blankets stirring up the song.  I am in the kitchen dancing with the broom over a pile pure white.  Turns out the table is not a safe place to leave the salt shaker!  Tumultuous laughter leaks out from under the bathroom door where the twins are splashing in the bathtub.  I hear their daddy exclaim, "No cannon balls!"  Every few steps I stop to put little bit's pacifier back in her mouth and buy another minute or two.  I lean in to peer at the places that won't sweep up and notice they are tiny stickers stuck on tight.  I grin because I haven't seen stickers for two years until this past week.

And I wouldn't trade a minute of it.  I am absolutely giddy about my pink little loads of laundry.  When I am tempted to wish I wasn't dancing with the broom, I remind myself of the reason that my floors are constantly sticky!  So many little feet!  And when Lena leaned over and gave me the biggest smooch this morning, all the whining and crying of the week faded instantly into the background. 

Two years ago today Cameron and I were hidden away in the mountains trying to escape the screaming pain of our incredibly clean and silent house.   Her toys were all still where she left them.  I hadn't yet unpacked her suitcase from the trip she never came back from.  The last load of her dirty laundry still sat piled up by my washer.  No reason for clean clothes anymore.   I would never see her beautiful smile again.

But I have seen Maddie Grace's.  A big dimply, squinty eyed smile that she loves to give me a hundred times a day now.  There is not much better in life than the brand new smile of a brand new baby.  Maybe because it whispers of hope and brand new beginnings.  Perhaps a little bit of eternity seeps out from those littlest  lips all curled softly. A glimpse of heaven's purity and simple joy seeping from those eyes.

And I can't help but smile back from deep down on the inside.  I am thankful this Thanksgiving.  Standing right here in 2012 in the middle of a messy life and a messy house.  I am thankful for reminders of heaven and the promise of pure and innocent joy restored.  I am thankful that 2010 is over.  I am thankful that every year I am closer to Jesus and Makiah and the home my heart has always longed for.  I am thankful for the breath I just took and that I went Christmas shopping yesterday for toys  and that I have children to celebrate with and cry with.  And I am oh so thankful for smiles and stickers in my house again!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

He Still Sings

I would say I am sorry for not blogging more often, but really I am not.  It is hard to type while you are holding a baby and for the last 6 weeks my arms have been quite full!  Even now my newest bundle is pressed warm on my chest here in the overstuffed recliner.  She can feel the rhythm of my breathing soft against her head.  Her ear pressed in close to my heart.  The familiar beat lulling her to sweet sleep.

Is this how God longs to hold us?

Wrapped up tightly in strong but tender arms.
His life breath pouring over us.  
Our ears pressed tightly to His chest.
Pulled in close where we can hear His heartbeat.
And when we scream and struggle,
He whispers words of comfort.
And pulls us even closer. 
To hear the sweet song He sings over us.

Yes, I think this must be how it is.  Even when we don't comprehend the words of the song.  He still sings.  And eventually we learn to recognize the melody.   Then we stop our squirmy fighting and relax in arms so strong.  He still sings.   And we breathe in peace deep down.  Because really we are helpless on our own anyway.  Even in the darkness.  He still sings.  The melody of  love seeps in slowly.  Driving out our fears and doubts.  Even when we cannot understand.  He still sings.

When we have reached the very bottom...
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.  Deuteronomy 33:27

This is a verse I memorized and turned over and over in my mind in the months before Makiah died.  I have hated it and loved it since...
The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”  
Zephaniah 3:17