An Unexpected Journey

Nothing can separate Even if I ran away Your love never fails The song took hold of me and grabbed my heart. It was September 2010. The melody and the words... they just wouldn't let go of me. I played it over and over and over. I was 12 weeks pregnant with our twins and the doctors had said it did not look good. The neonatal specialist did not give me much hope.  But my golden haired daughter and I, we listened to the song.  We prayed to the song.   She danced around our living room.  Little feet twirling.  Four year old faith. Dancing, praising, and believing. I know I still make mistakes But You have new mercies for me everyday Your love never fails And things improved. Then October 8, 2010 crept up.  My world was rocked as our car spun out-of-control.  And my baby girl went home to be with Jesus.  My sweet four-year-old Makiah.  And we played the song again as people waited for her funeral to begin.  I had no words. ...

Seasons.  There is something beautiful and mysterious about seasons.  The seasons of life.  Seasons of the soul.  Each carries beauty and hardship.  Just enough to make us ready to embrace the next season when it comes. I love fall.  I always have.  The breathtaking vibrancy of red, yellow, and orange wrapping itself around the leaves before they drift to the ground.  My Grace baby's birthday is always the eve of fall.  This year she turned two, and it is as if someone told her what that means.  When I came to get her from her crib on the morning of September 21st, I exclaimed, "Happy birthday, Maddie Gracie!"  "No hatty birday!" she replied with a scowl.  "But you will get presents," I said with excitement.  "No pesents!" Maddie grumped.  Alena asked if she could have some of the cake, and Maddie told her "NO take (aka "cake").  I couldn't help but laugh at the seriousness of that furrowed brow and scowling po...

Sweetest Makiah, As I am scurrying around the kitchen trying to fix dinner, I can't help but think about it.  I try not to go there often.  To the deep places I mean. Who does?  Who has time when life wraps around you with a dizzying swirl of busyness? But something about anniversaries catches your breath and stills the racing thoughts.     It's 3:17 right now.  And you were still alive then.  We were driving between Jacksonville and Valdosta.  You were watching a cartoon about the miracles of Jesus.  I wish you could see your sisters now.  I think they have changed clothes several times since we got home from preschool!  They asked me in the car this morning if you go to school.  They said they wanted you to see them dance and wanted to show you their rainbow toes.  I told them we could ask Jesus to show them to you.  So they asked Him to right then!  Such childlike faith. It reminds me of you. ...

She knelt at the altar with head bowed as tears began to flood her face.  Within seconds this lady was surrounded by three children (not her own).  Each one gently put a hand on her and closed their little eyes as they began to pray silently.  It was one of the sweetest altar times I have witnessed.  I could barely blink back the tears last Sunday as I watched this beautiful scene unfold and thought of Jesus' words,  " Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."    Mathew  19:14. Sometimes it is hard to remember that when the whining seems incessant or they tear through the house like little tornadoes with hands that grab everything!  A week or so ago my family was in that crazy hour that we call dinner when one of those awe filled moments grabbed me.  The kids were asking for things faster than I could get them to the table.  The baby was in one arm refusing ...

She has arrived!  Eliana Bree (aka "Ella Bree") made her grand entrance on Monday, July 21st at 7:55 am!  She weighed 7lbs 1oz... my biggest baby yet.  We are thrilled to be holding our dark haired little princess!  Number five has stolen our hearts already! This is the scripture that was in my mom's devotional journal for Ella Bree's  birthday... Jeremiah 31:25  "For I have satisfied the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul." Meet my little "my God has answered with strength" baby! Look at that pout!

We first heard the name on the Tuesday before Makiah died on Friday.  We met a youth pastor and his wife, and when they told us what their daughter's name meant we both looked at each other.   I was pregnant with twin girls, and I think we were both pretty sure we would name one of them with the name- Eliana.  It is Hebrew for "my God has answered." We had waited four years for our second pregnancy and had been through numerous infertility treatments.  My prayer had been that the Lord would "zachar" me.  It is the Hebrew word used in the Old Testament on several occasions to indicate that God "remembered" someone and acted on their behalf.   It's not that He ever forgot them, but that He acted on behalf of those on His mind.   For example, when barren Hannah cried out to the Lord in 1 Samuel 1,  He remembered or "zachared" her and opened her womb to birth Samuel.  It seemed to us as though God had finally answered, and I was 16 weeks pr...

The wind whipped through the girl’s hair and the sound of waves lapping on the beach filled her ears.  She held tightly to the red, shiny coke can in her hand.   In a moment her foot stumbled and the bright aluminum slipped from her grip.  The can rolled on the beach and all the sweet contents poured out into the sand.   A dark puddle in the midst of all the bright white.  Feeling frantic now, the girl bent down and tried desperately to push the brown soaked sand back into the coke can.  Her fingers shook.  Her efforts were futile.  The coke was gone and the can was empty. Then I woke up.  The girl was me. I had a certain life of joy and sweetness.  Completely untouched by pain or death.  And then in a split second it slipped from my hands and everything that filled my heart and life was gone.  Poured out and soaked up by the thirsty, unforgiving ground.  And my life was empty after that.  For a tim...

Today is Mother's Day and the sun is just creeping up when I sneak out on the porch.  Whispy white vapors blanket the neighborhood so thickly I can barely see the trees across the street. It is foggy. And I think it should be. Exactly eight years ago at this very time, I was checking into the hospital and filling out paper work for labor and delivery. Eight hours later Makiah would make her grand entrance and I would become a mommy. And there are so many things I don't understand. So many things that are shrouded by a foggy veil. Alena asked at lunch today where Makiah's birthday present was. A few short weeks ago I was tucking her in for a nap on the afternoon of Easter. I told her to sleep good so we could hunt eggs when she woke up. Then she exclaimed with such excitement "And Makiah will be here!" I asked why she thought Makiah would be here, and she replied "Because we have her Easter basket." Of course, what child would leave...

Sometimes its the little things that let us know God loves us. Early on the morning before Easter I managed to sneak out on my porch for a little coffee and a quiet time. The words I read began with, "I have called you out of darkness into my marvelous light..." Oh how true that has been for me! Not just out of spiritual darkness through a relationship with Jesus, but out of the darkness of pain and grief. He has pulled me out a pit of despair whose dark, slippery walls were at one time strangling me with the lie that I would never experience light in this life again. "I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." Isaiah 61:10 This was the second verse at the end of the reading. It took my breath away that it would be this verse. And suddenly I was ...

So I took a road trip with just my girls for spring break to visit their grandparents and family in Alabama.   It's  barely lunch time and already the adventures have begun!  It only took Abby about twenty minutes to get her hand stuck in a mouse trap at her great grandmothers house today.  Thank goodness it was only the kind the mouse sticks to and not the metal one that breaks fingers! So it took us a lot of hand washing to get all the sticky poison off those little fingers and especially that thumb she still likes to suck...  Never mind that I am a speech therapist and I can tell this thumb sucking is doing bad things to her mouth! But the one that takes the cake was when mom and I were dressing the twins this morning and Maddie Grace, who had only left the room for a minute, comes walking back in with her face stuck down in the bottom side of a plunger!!  Ughhh!  Oh the things I will have to tell them when they are teens!  You should have se...

"Mommy I'm poopy. Change me." I sigh and start to change my now three year old's diaper. We just can't seem to conquer this potty training thing. We are trying everything... sticker charts, m&m's, wearing panties for days, setting a timer to keep our potty times regular, watching potty time Elmo dvd's over and over. At a friend's suggestion, I have even tried making the twins wash out their own poopy panties in the toilet! They were grossed out, but obviously not enough to bring change. So when I open this kid's pull-up, I am surprised. It is clean and empty except for a small Winnie the Pooh toy. I pull it out and say, "Baby, you aren't dirty, this is just a toy in your pants." To which she responds with uproarious laughter, "But Mommy, I pooped a "Pooh!" Oh. My. Surely if you are old enough to be this witty, you are old enough to use a potty!!! I admit I did get a good laugh though... If ...

This session of the conference was titled, “The Agony of Defeat.”  The speaker talked about praying for God to heal people.  Most of the time we hear the miracle stories, but this time he only told stories of when God didn’t heal.  He didn’t offer platitudes or try to explain away the irony.  He simply said Christ says we must take up our cross daily and follow him.  This speaker believes that the cross we must carry if we are willing to pray in faith for people to be healed is the pain and disappointment that comes inevitably when some are not healed.   Many of the stories he told were of children who continued to suffer or even die after receiving prayer for healing.  In every story I was the parent.   Because I am that parent.  I had believed for a solid hour with all my heart after the accident that God would raise Makiah from the dead, if she was indeed dead.  I just knew all the healing stories I had read were in me for faith ...

A dear friend sent me a photo today of a bubbling brook and peaceful rushing waters.   She texted me “as I watched the crisp fresh water bubbling from that spring it reminded me of Makiah, and I grasped my necklace of her Living Water Well that I wear 99.9% of the time.   It made me smile as I remembered all the sweet little girls that are now able to go to school and live somewhat normal lives because of Makiah’s dream.   This photo makes me happy and helps me to remember her beauty.   It has no filter or editing, simply God’s creation in all its splendor.”   Tears sprang to my eyes.   Happy tears that Makiah still comes to my friend’s mind.   Joy that the money Makiah gave from her piggy bank shortly before her death to help build a well at church has multiplied into many wells.   And amazement that this text came today, when today was the day I planned to blog about all the new wells! Yes there are more!   There are elev...