An Unexpected Journey

I've been thinking about this thing called Christianity.  Three things have intertwined and largely defined my experience and understanding of Christianity up to this point in my life.  First, it has been about learning to live well- to develop a moral life, a culture of worshiping God, the fruits and gifts of the Spirit, etc.  Secondly, my paradigm has included the idea that if I lived in a way that is pleasing to God (worked hard on number one), trusted in Jesus, and prayed scripture over my family, then I would walk in protection, prosperity, and blessing.  While this has been my experience most of my life, it is clear now that it is not a guarantee.  Be thankful if it happens, but you can't bank on it.  After all we are promised suffering, and most Christians in the rest of the world experience it daily.  Finally, I have experienced God's love.  I have literally felt it many times.  Although I know "He has not left me or forsaken me," I d...

The minute hands on the big white clock seem to drag by.  Outside the scurrying of nurses and metal carts and nervous parents pass in the hall.  The flourecent lights shine from underneath the door cracks almost mocking the dim atmosphere inside the room.    Earlier, I had felt strange and finally agreed to a quick doctor checkup.  An hour later I was being admitted to the hospital with contractions that were 3 minutes apart, significant dilation, and two 31 week old babies who were not ready to meet the world.  Now, after IV's of medicine and steroid shots and other injections, the contractions were slowing, my mind was fogging, and the quiet had crept in while we waited.   As I lay in the hospital bed my thoughts turned to her.  I could almost see her nestling under the crisp white sheets with me and saying sweetly "Oh, Mama!"  Maybe then we would have talked about the babies and how tiny they would be.  I would have told her stori...

He painted such a vivid picture for me with his words.  He said it is like being stuck in an elevator with no electricity.  The dark is deep and complete.  The water of grief is pouring in from the top.  At first he thought he could find the buttons and get the elevator to open... to escape the torrent.  But the buttons don't work, and in the dark the pummeling water is rushing down on his face and head.  The elevator is almost full now.  The last of the air is disappearing rapidly.  Blackness.  Trapped.  Drowning.  Grief. A friend of mine who lost a child shared with me that in the midst of her agony she felt Jesus was asking her a question.  As He had asked the disciples in John 6, she heard Him in her heart saying, "You do not want to leave me, too, do you?"  And she said all she could respond was like Peter, "Lord. to whom else shall I go?  You have the words of eternal life.  I believe and know that you ar...

Buster buries his head deeper into his black and white fur and cat bed- trying to avoid the shrieking sobs.  I can no longer avoid them.  I sit in her floor flanked by her tiny, pink princess bed and the little kitchen and store where she loved to play and hideout.  Armed with plastic tubs and ziplock bags, the dreadful day to clean up some of her things has come.  I cannot put it off forever.  Her decor and dollhouse and shelves with precious things will stay, but it cannot all remain untouched forever.  How do I choose the precious things? I group Snow White and the dwarves together... then Aladdin and his friends.  I pick up a pink, flowery bucket and start to remove the plastic food.  Then a sweet memory leaps on me.  I was laying on the couch on bed rest, and she brought me the bucket.  One item at a time she asked, "Mommy, do you like (onions, oranges, etc.) in your soup?"  She carefully added each ingredient to the bucket a...

Three months ago today, they began for us. Cameron woke up and looked at the clock- 7:15.  "Oh no, we'll be late to school!" he thought... and then he remembered.  We went to a movie, and as the credits rolled across the dark screen, I reached for my cell phone to call the babysitter and check in... and then I remembered.  Her cat, Buster,  was curled up lazily by the back door.  He is rarely allowed in and knows his place on the floor when he is.  From the sofa, I played a clip of her talking on my laptop, and Buster bolted across the room and leapt on the couch looking for her. There are a million of these moments.  Moments when time stands still, our breath disappears, and reality pounces on us with stabs of merciless pain.  Even when we have temporarily distracted ourselves, the uninvited moments intrude.  They bombard us at the most unexpected times.  There may be consequences for the individual(s) responsible, but most of the...

The dirt still looks freshly dug.  The grass stubbornly refuses to grow.  How do you decide what to put on your baby's headstone?  We got a letter from the city, and we have to do this... have to get over this hump.  How do you pen the final parting words?  precious-princess-my heart-sweet-beautiful-our love-gift-treasure- priceless-joy-dream-forever...  How do you sum up a life?  How do you say goodbye?  How can her sweet, cuddly body be down there?  I just want this to be someone else...some other mother and some other child!  I want to read this blog and weep for her- that other woman.    I don't want to be on this side of the screen typing these horrible words! I just want to feel close to her again.  Oh God, she feels so far away!  How can you think that I can do this?  I am desperate to be near her... to touch her.  I watch her pictures on the screen saver.  I reach out to rub her cheek and stro...