An Unexpected Journey

I am a magnet for four year old girls. We have been on a little vacation with my parents, and at the pool I seem to have constant companions who want to play with the twins. And they are all four year old girls. And my sweeties love it. And I cannot help but go there... to the what ifs. A few hours before the accident Cameron had a bad feeling and we prayed Psalm 91 and asked for protection on our trip. An unanswered prayer. But what if God had answered us with a miracle? What if she were here with us? I think back to another "what if." What if I had gotten pregnant again when I planned? The pinings for baby number two started when Makiah was barely one. My whole life I had been waiting for the day when I would have a rowdy house full of sweet little munchkins. Every month was a roller coaster of excited hoping and then a crash of disappointment when that little test was negative again. I remember purposely trying to turn my energy and focus on my time with Makiah....

They seem to crash over me this week.  The waves.  Of grief.  My hubby told me once it was that way for him...  sorrow in waves.   My ears are filled with the sound of pounding on my heart’s shore.    They won’t look at her picture or say her name anymore.  My babies.  They love to point to the grandparents’ pictures or call the name of their aunt “Lala” (aka Laura).  But they turn their heads now when I show them Makiah’s picture.  They used to imitate excitedly, “Kiah!”  Now they turn away with lips gone silent.  And inside I feel a desperate cry and stabbing pain.  A wish to right this wrong. She isn’t real to them.  They have never seen her bouncing curls, felt her tickling touch, or heard her giggles.   She doesn’t come to visit.  Ever.   This mystery sister.   I know they are too young to understand, but that is not the point.  This is just the fi...

Babbling babies and muffin crumbs.  Sun glimpsing through rugged pecan trees.  Gentle breeze and soft, purring kitty.  Morning light stretches onto our porch.  And I am thankful.  Thankful that all five of us (baby number 4 included!) are sitting here in our normal groggy state.  Nothing new.  Nothing exciting.  And my heart is beating with thankfulness. Yesterday we traveled home from visiting Cameron's parents.  Like we did that day.  We stopped at a mall for a short break.   Like we did that day... we had eaten in the food court, and Makiah and I played "I spy" while we waited for her Daddy to shop.   We made another quick stop to pick up something handed down for the new baby (thank you Melissa!!).  Like we did that day... the last time I touched Makiah was when we stopped to meet someone at a Mcdonald's to pick up a baby seat purchased from Craig's list.  When Cameron suggested we eat at Cracker Barrel ( li...