I have never wanted to be a blogger until this morning (10/23). For some reason I awoke feeling the need to share this journey. My four year old daughter was killed in a tragic car accident on October 8th, 2010 when our car was struck by a teen on marijuana. This blog is a small window into the brokenness of my heart and perhaps... one day, the healing. Do not mistake this for theological discourse. Jesus, not our circumstances, equals perfect theology. Be warned, this is raw...
They seem to crash over me this week. The waves.
Of grief. My hubby told me once
it was that way for him... sorrow in
waves. My ears are filled with the
sound of pounding on my heart’s shore.
They won’t look at her picture or say her name anymore. My babies.
They love to point to the grandparents’ pictures or call the name of
their aunt “Lala” (aka Laura). But they
turn their heads now when I show them Makiah’s picture. They used to imitate excitedly, “Kiah!” Now they turn away with lips gone
silent. And inside I feel a desperate
cry and stabbing pain. A wish to right
She isn’t real to them.
They have never seen her bouncing curls, felt her tickling touch, or
heard her giggles. She doesn’t come to
visit. Ever. This mystery sister. I know
they are too young to understand, but that is not the point. This is just the first of a hundred signs of
the schism torn through our family… at least while we are here on earth. And it feels
like she never existed. To them she
didn’t. Not in their life time.
Do the living remember the dead they did not know? We see the fingerprints of them all around,
but truly life is about the living. We
are busy. And the fleeting days are so
full of things that are meaningless. I
try to think back to dilemmas of what to wear or eat or daily frustrations from
10 years ago… and I can’t remember them.
Those silly things are gone.
Whisked away by the swift broom of time.
As our lives will be. What will I
do that matters? One day I will leave
behind a picture of myself that will
grow dusty in someone’s attic while the living are busy about the
business of life. What will I do with the
short time that is given me? Will I
leave behind more for my great, great grandchildren then a trunk of old
journals and aging photos???
The questions swirl and the grief crashes and pounds… but
now it’s time to get busy. The dishes
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry
about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what
you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than
clothes?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Mathew 6:25 & 33
For, “All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fade,