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Saturday, June 9, 2012

Crashing Waves

They seem to crash over me this week.  The waves.  Of grief.  My hubby told me once it was that way for him...  sorrow in waves.   My ears are filled with the sound of pounding on my heart’s shore.   

They won’t look at her picture or say her name anymore.  My babies.  They love to point to the grandparents’ pictures or call the name of their aunt “Lala” (aka Laura).  But they turn their heads now when I show them Makiah’s picture.  They used to imitate excitedly, “Kiah!”  Now they turn away with lips gone silent.  And inside I feel a desperate cry and stabbing pain.  A wish to right this wrong.

She isn’t real to them.  They have never seen her bouncing curls, felt her tickling touch, or heard her giggles.   She doesn’t come to visit.  Ever.   This mystery sister.   I know they are too young to understand, but that is not the point.  This is just the first of a hundred signs of the schism torn through our family… at least while we are here on earth.   And it feels like she never existed.  To them she didn’t.  Not in their life time. 

Do the living remember the dead they did not know?  We see the fingerprints of them all around, but truly life is about the living.  We are busy.  And the fleeting days are so full of things that are meaningless.  I try to think back to dilemmas of what to wear or eat or daily frustrations from 10 years ago… and I can’t remember them.  Those silly things are gone.  Whisked away by the swift broom of time.  As our lives will be.  What will I do that matters?  One day I will leave behind a picture of myself that will  grow dusty in someone’s attic while the living are busy about the business of life.  What will I do with the short time that is given me?  Will I leave behind more for my great, great grandchildren then a trunk of old journals and aging photos??? 

The questions swirl and the grief crashes and pounds… but now it’s time to get busy.  The dishes are calling.

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
  Mathew 6:25 & 33

 For, “All people are like grass,
    and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fade, 
     but the word of the Lord endures forever.”
1 Peter 1:24-25

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