Skip to main content

16 Weeks and 5 Days

16 weeks and 5 days today.   That's how long I have been carrying this little one.  Last night I lay in bed and felt anxious for no particular reason.  I knew that this time was approaching, but I hadn't figured out exactly the day.  As I lay there calculating, it dawned on me that it would be tomorrow.  It's amazing how your subconscious can be aware of things without you even realizing it.  Our counselor had warned us this sort of thing would happen as the girls grew older.

So this morning I sit on the back porch watching the pink sky and trying not to think about it.  That when I was 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant with the twins, Makiah died.   She asked me constantly before she died if the girls could hear her voice yet.  She would talk to them and tell them how cute they were.  She would exclaim, "Little babies, you are soooo loved!"  Every night she would give them each a kiss and a "hug" through my belly.  It was her own idea!

The girls are toddling around the porch blissfully unaware of mommy's inner turmoil.  I don't know if they could hear her voice yet.  One website says yes and another no.   I feel anxious.  October 8th started off as perfectly as today.  I think that we will stay home all day and hold my breath until it is over.  Then I read the words in my little book... There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears has not been made perfect in love.  1 John 4:18  I can't believe that is the scripture for today!  I read it to the girls a few times.  I whisper to the pink sky.  Oh God please help me to be perfected in your love!  I don't understand so many things.  I don't know how to face each day bravely when the outcome is veiled... how to trust you are with me when I know what feelings of abandonment can seize us in a an instant as life turns on its head.  But here are your words in black and white-  Perfect love casts out fear!  Drive it far from me today and embrace me with your love as I embrace the mystery of this truth!

And He did.  I packed the girls up and started with a trip to the store.  We have read books in Makiah's room and looked at her pictures and cried (well, I did anyway... little ones just wanted to slobber on them!).   We made oatmeal cookies together... sort of.  The main ingredients included several spills, screaming (the twins), and laughter (me- what else can you do?).   So now we are eating hot, yummy cookies and celebrating instead that today I am 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant with what appears to be another little princess!  What was a disastrous day during my last pregnancy,  has turned out to be a perfectly ordinary, messy one this time.  And I whisper again... this time a thanks for the embrace of peace breathed into me in early morning light.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Deafening Silence

In a single second my life has been radically altered.  My precious gift from God, sweet Makiah Kaitlyn, has gone to be with Jesus long before her time.  I know in my heart that she is happy, but my arms are so empty... my house so dreadfully quiet.  I feel at times that a horrible blackness has enveloped me.  I feel as though my insides are screaming.  I am clawing and fighting to break out of this torturous body- to escape from this oppressive reality, but I cannot escape.  The dark anguish leaps on me again and again.  It sits on my chest and presses against my very life breath.  My heart feels utterly crushed and broken- pummeled into a thousand pieces.  Life as I knew it has been shattered and the shards that are left are painful and sharp.  Cutting me as I try to walk through them.  This is the valley of the shadow of death.  How dark is that shadow! Her room is perfectly untouched.  All of the dolls in her dollhouse family are piled into their little bed together where she lef
Post a Comment
Read more

Toes

Outside the sky is grey and dreary.  I feel it should rain torrents today.  I think the whole earth should cry out in grief.  I feel my heart pounding in my head.  My eyes will barely open, and I think no more tears can possibly come.  Maybe I will stand in the rain and borrow the tears from the sky. I look down at sparkly pink toes, and they are lonely.  Makiah, our last Sunday together you spent the morning in bed with Mommy (because I am on bed rest).  We ate fruit loops and snuggled.  We practiced drawing your letters and painted our fingers and toes.  You wanted rainbow toes, but I didn't have the colors with me.  I promised I'd paint you rainbow toes later.  Once we were all pink you said, "I got an idea!  Let's put sparklies over the pink, and you have to do it, too, Mommy, so we can be twins!"  You are such a princess!  So pink toes became sparkly toes.  We giggled and hugged and admired our matching feet. Now mine sit all alone.  Ten toes that should
Post a Comment
Read more

Wells of Living Water

My eyes filled with tears when my mother-n-law told me of her friend's idea.  This sweet lady, whom I've never met, wanted to know if she could do something special in honor of Makiah.  She said God had put it on her heart to start a well project for her.  She would sell "living water well charms" through Operation Blessing International to raise money to build a well for underprivelaged children in a poverty stricken country.  She said when 600 charms have been purchased, a well with a permanent plaque would be built to commemorate Makiah's life.  Not only was this an amazing idea, it was linked to my daughter's heart in a way that shocked me... What this thoughtful lady could not have known was that only 2 weeks before the accident, Makiah came into the kitchen on a Sunday morning carrying her whole piggy bank.  She told me she wanted to take it all to "give to the kids who need clean water."  The preschool class at church had been raising money
Post a Comment
Read more