Skip to main content

Letting Go



(Written last Monday night…)

I admit to feeling a wee bit queasy.  I have been anticipating this day for almost three years.  Even before the twins were born I wanted to fast forward my life  to get back to the place where I had a little one in preschool again.   It’s not that I wanted to miss the sweet moments, but I did want to skip the painful barely breathing days and just be a normal mommy of a preschooler again.    There are no emotional microwaves though, and in our humanness we are locked into time.  I am certain that the last three years have been the slowest of my life.  And now that the big day is here, I can hardly believe it!

Tomorrow morning I will pack my little ones up and take them to their first day of school in the two year old class.  They cannot wait!  Just like their big sister.  Their teacher’s name is Mrs. Robin.  Just like their big sister (even though we are in a new town and at a new school)!  They have pink and yellow and orange plaid dresses.  Just like their big sister.  I found myself saying out loud today, that God willing, they will graduate from preschool.  Unlike their big sister. 

The healing goes deep.  But the scars go deeper still. 

I feel it in the moments of what if… like the night of open house when a yellow jacket hovered insistently around Abby (who is allergic) in the middle of her pre-k classroom.   It is almost as if he was there to mock me with his buzzing.  Can I really send her off to school with that epi-pen to play outside everyday and hope that God will keep her here with me?  Can I open my hand and let go?  Of control?

I feel it in the fog of morning when I am just between asleep and awake.  Like yesterday before I opened my eyes... I was in the car with Cameron and Makiah.  And then the accident happened.  And I pulled myself to consciousness and whispered desperately to God,  “That is my moment of horror.  I don’t want to live there, God.  I give it to you again.  Please take it today.” 

Even as I write these words there is a knowing on the inside.  That the Healer of my pain will not cease to work until I am home with Him.  Safely out of control and free from moments of horror or fear forever.  And I know that the scars will not always run deeper.  Because our pain has an end.  A cap.  But my healing and yours flows from a never ending source.  Pain can’t outrun Him.  Sorrow can’t outlast Him.  It cannot overwhelm Him.  Because when we have reached the end of ourselves, living waters will continue to spring up.  Bubbling in our soul and filling us with Life.  Life abundantly. 

So I breath it in deep.  And soak up the strength.  It is only there for one day.  At a time.  A grace for today.  In the morning it will be there for tomorrow… when I hold their hands and walk them into that school for the first time.  And when I let go of little fingers and of control and turn away with empty hands,  He will hold mine.  And theirs.  And if you let Him, He will hold yours, too.



"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Deafening Silence

In a single second my life has been radically altered.  My precious gift from God, sweet Makiah Kaitlyn, has gone to be with Jesus long before her time.  I know in my heart that she is happy, but my arms are so empty... my house so dreadfully quiet.  I feel at times that a horrible blackness has enveloped me.  I feel as though my insides are screaming.  I am clawing and fighting to break out of this torturous body- to escape from this oppressive reality, but I cannot escape.  The dark anguish leaps on me again and again.  It sits on my chest and presses against my very life breath.  My heart feels utterly crushed and broken- pummeled into a thousand pieces.  Life as I knew it has been shattered and the shards that are left are painful and sharp.  Cutting me as I try to walk through them.  This is the valley of the shadow of death.  How dark is that shadow! Her room is perfectly untouched.  All of the dolls in her dollhouse family are piled into their little bed together where she lef
Post a Comment
Read more

Toes

Outside the sky is grey and dreary.  I feel it should rain torrents today.  I think the whole earth should cry out in grief.  I feel my heart pounding in my head.  My eyes will barely open, and I think no more tears can possibly come.  Maybe I will stand in the rain and borrow the tears from the sky. I look down at sparkly pink toes, and they are lonely.  Makiah, our last Sunday together you spent the morning in bed with Mommy (because I am on bed rest).  We ate fruit loops and snuggled.  We practiced drawing your letters and painted our fingers and toes.  You wanted rainbow toes, but I didn't have the colors with me.  I promised I'd paint you rainbow toes later.  Once we were all pink you said, "I got an idea!  Let's put sparklies over the pink, and you have to do it, too, Mommy, so we can be twins!"  You are such a princess!  So pink toes became sparkly toes.  We giggled and hugged and admired our matching feet. Now mine sit all alone.  Ten toes that should
Post a Comment
Read more

Wells of Living Water

My eyes filled with tears when my mother-n-law told me of her friend's idea.  This sweet lady, whom I've never met, wanted to know if she could do something special in honor of Makiah.  She said God had put it on her heart to start a well project for her.  She would sell "living water well charms" through Operation Blessing International to raise money to build a well for underprivelaged children in a poverty stricken country.  She said when 600 charms have been purchased, a well with a permanent plaque would be built to commemorate Makiah's life.  Not only was this an amazing idea, it was linked to my daughter's heart in a way that shocked me... What this thoughtful lady could not have known was that only 2 weeks before the accident, Makiah came into the kitchen on a Sunday morning carrying her whole piggy bank.  She told me she wanted to take it all to "give to the kids who need clean water."  The preschool class at church had been raising money
Post a Comment
Read more