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17 years ago- I Remember



It was just a few weeks ago.

Tears falling down.  

She doesn’t think she can do this.

Walk down that aisle.

To lay her baby to rest.

And I remember.


Her hands trembling.

She can’t get her earrings in.

Family steps in to help.

It can’t be real.

And I remember. 


She can’t get to the front.

It may as well be miles.

Heavy feet pushing forward against all that is right.

They have to hold her arms.

And I remember.


Songs echo across empty dreams.

The words attempt to hug her heart.

They try to breathe out hope and covering.

But she can’t stop shaking.

And I remember.


The day no mother ever wants to open her eyes to.

Because your child’s eyes won’t.

Just keep taking the next breath I say to her.

In and out right now.

And I remember.


I also remember the first inkling of hope.

The first time I heard God again.

The first time I prayed again.

The first time I stepped in church again.

The first time I opened my bible again.


I remember the two lines on the pregnancy test.

The biggest surprise ever.

The laugh that welled up.

The first time I felt loved by God again.


I remember the isolation.

The utter loneliness of grief.

The unwanted silence.

And the friends who reached out.

The rainbow toes.

The flowers and butterflies and balloons that carried His love.


I remember how I cried on the long drive to work every morning because I was truly alone with my thoughts. And exhausted.

Even 3 years later.

I remember when that far away friend asked if we could pray together on the phone early in the morning once a week.

She didn’t know.

And God stepped into my car.


Over and over again there were little signs.

Miracles.

And He put me back together again.

No.

He made me brand new.

Resurrected.

And I remember.


17 years since you breathed your first.

13 years since you breathed your last.

So. Many. Steps. On. This. Journey.

I wouldn’t have chosen.

So. Many. Things. I. Don’t. Understand.

But one day I will see clearly.

So. Many. Ways. He. Intervened. 

And I will remember.


On your 17th birthday I will remember.

And pray for that mama.  

That one day she will have a resurrection to remember.



Isaiah 46:9
“Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.”


John 14:26
“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”


Psalm 143:5
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands.





















 





Comments

  1. Karen CroweMay 11, 2023 at 5:29 PM

    Hi Rachel, I’m a friend of your mom’s from Wellspring. I don’t read your blog regularly but did today. It brought me to tears and grief for you, and for the other moms I know whose children were called home too early (by our reckoning). This poem is beautiful and heart-shattering. I am given courage by your description of being made new. May the legacy of your daughter be ever-increasing ripples in the ocean of God’s grace.

    ReplyDelete

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