Skip to main content

If Only

If only I could sleep.

The cool sheets press against me.  The dark shadows dance on the ceiling.  Soft breathing comes from the bassinets near my bed.  In the dim light Makiah smiles at me from the painting on my wall.   The hands on the clock creep by as minutes become hours.   My mind takes a turn down a slippery, treacherous path.  It wants to tread there.  No!  It hates to go there, but the pull of memories is like quicksand.  In the still of night, I am too tired to fight.  I am sinking. 

the accident- the scream- the crunch of metal- shattered glass- spinning- the blood- pulling me out-  her body hanging in the car seat-  people stopping- they won't touch her- horror- disbelief- my baby!- more screaming...

Pounding heart.  Oh God!  Oh God!  I moan.  If only I could forget.  If only we had taken the bigger car like we discussed.   If only I had buckled her in on my side like I usually did.  If only we had left early in the morning like I woke up contemplating.  If only we had not stopped in Jacksonville when Cameron had a bad feeling.  If only we had gone a different way home... which we almost did.  If only we had not stopped at McDonalds in Valdosta.  If only we had never gone to the beach, but the in-laws had said they would take care of her while I was on bed rest there.   If only I could go back.  If only we could make just one different choice. It's a terrible novel, and we choose the wrong ending- the wrong chapter. If only I could forget.  If only...  If only...  If only...

If only I could sleep.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Deafening Silence

In a single second my life has been radically altered.  My precious gift from God, sweet Makiah Kaitlyn, has gone to be with Jesus long before her time.  I know in my heart that she is happy, but my arms are so empty... my house so dreadfully quiet.  I feel at times that a horrible blackness has enveloped me.  I feel as though my insides are screaming.  I am clawing and fighting to break out of this torturous body- to escape from this oppressive reality, but I cannot escape.  The dark anguish leaps on me again and again.  It sits on my chest and presses against my very life breath.  My heart feels utterly crushed and broken- pummeled into a thousand pieces.  Life as I knew it has been shattered and the shards that are left are painful and sharp.  Cutting me as I try to walk through them.  This is the valley of the shadow of death.  How dark is that shadow! Her room is perfectly untouched.  All of the dolls in her dollhou...
Post a Comment
Read more

Toes

Outside the sky is grey and dreary.  I feel it should rain torrents today.  I think the whole earth should cry out in grief.  I feel my heart pounding in my head.  My eyes will barely open, and I think no more tears can possibly come.  Maybe I will stand in the rain and borrow the tears from the sky. I look down at sparkly pink toes, and they are lonely.  Makiah, our last Sunday together you spent the morning in bed with Mommy (because I am on bed rest).  We ate fruit loops and snuggled.  We practiced drawing your letters and painted our fingers and toes.  You wanted rainbow toes, but I didn't have the colors with me.  I promised I'd paint you rainbow toes later.  Once we were all pink you said, "I got an idea!  Let's put sparklies over the pink, and you have to do it, too, Mommy, so we can be twins!"  You are such a princess!  So pink toes became sparkly toes.  We giggled and hugged and admired our matching fe...
1 comment
Read more

Wells of Living Water

My eyes filled with tears when my mother-n-law told me of her friend's idea.  This sweet lady, whom I've never met, wanted to know if she could do something special in honor of Makiah.  She said God had put it on her heart to start a well project for her.  She would sell "living water well charms" through Operation Blessing International to raise money to build a well for underprivelaged children in a poverty stricken country.  She said when 600 charms have been purchased, a well with a permanent plaque would be built to commemorate Makiah's life.  Not only was this an amazing idea, it was linked to my daughter's heart in a way that shocked me... What this thoughtful lady could not have known was that only 2 weeks before the accident, Makiah came into the kitchen on a Sunday morning carrying her whole piggy bank.  She told me she wanted to take it all to "give to the kids who need clean water."  The preschool class at church had been raising mon...
Post a Comment
Read more