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Nevertheless

She sat cuddled up in my lap as we prayed.  Her tiny hands pressed mine over her eyes, and she said after me, " Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, so I can see you!"  Off popped our hands, and giggles followed.  Then together mommy and Makiah's hands covered her ears and pressed on soft, blonde curls, and we prayed, "and open the ears of my heart so I can hear you speak to me!"  Tada!  The hands flew off her ears together.  "Mommy, I can't wait to see Jesus with my real eyes!"  she would sometimes exclaim.

I sit in the blackness by a tiny, yellow light.  The babies are fed and clean and swaddled tightly again.  Their breathing is even.  I sip my steamy mocha, and the words leap off the page at me.  "Then  the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring- those who obey God's commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus."  Revelation 12:17

A few days ago a small, hard back book fell off the shelf and almost hit my toe.  I picked it up, brushed the dusty jacket, and glanced at the title,  "Nevertheless" by Mark Rutland.  I haven't read the book, but the word instantly embedded itself deep in my heart.  I have been turning it over and over for a week now.  Nevertheless.  Nevertheless.  Like a single ray of light I feel it is bouncing through the darkness in my soul.  Nevertheless.

The enemy of my soul, and of yours too, is enraged and has made war against my family.  Nevertheless...
He has stolen what was most dear and precious to my heart.  Nevertheless...
He has trampled my insides.  They are dusty ashes now.  Nevertheless...
My life feels divided.  I remember things from before when my life was happy, and then there is now.  Nevertheless...
I cannot escape the aching.  Nevertheless...
My passion for God feels all but extinguished.  Nevertheless...
I know I once had purpose.  The path is dark now.  Nevertheless...

I wish I could complete those statements, but it takes all the courage I can muster just to write 'nevertheless.'  I don't know how to finish those sentences.  I don't know what comes next.   As I sit in the dark, all I know is that there is a 'nevertheless.'   I cannot see it.  I cannot hear it.  Lord, open the eyes of my heart so I can see and open the ears of my heart so I can hear...

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