For several months it has been on my heart to do a series on the “The Lies We Have Believed.” For the next several weeks you will hear from several ladies who have courageously chosen to share their own hearts and to open up about lies they have believed and how the power of God has exposed those and brought about freedom through His word. My hope is that you will be encouraged and challenged by these guest bloggers to take a closer look at your own beliefs as you begin 2020. Even as I was asking these ladies to share, I did not know what I would write about, but over the past week it has become clear to me. This blog is a bit lengthy and for sure raw, but perhaps you will see a bit of yourself, your own unique challenges as I share mine, and ways the Father is calling you into deeper trust…
For about 18 months the Lord has been opening doors for Cameron (my husband) and our church to do more ministry through missions. It has been so exciting to see the hand of God work providentially to bring about things that have been prayed over for decades. I am one who generally takes forever to make a decision to move forward in anything (whether it’s buying a rug or making a big commitment). My hubby on the other hand is certainly not a procrastinator. We need each other for sure! This has been an adventure that I feel confident about, and the thing I have felt continually is “Do the thing in front of you.”
The next thing in front of me is that Cameron and I are going to Honduras to put boots on the ground and see a ministry that we and our church may be getting more involved with. I haven’t been on a mission trip since I started having babies. Last year I dreamed I was going through customs and woke up knowing I needed to get my passport. Fast forward through this year of God moving, and here I am going with Cameron for the first time in ages.
Before we booked our tickets a few months ago, while Cameron was in Poland on a mission trip, I woke up one morning hearing the word “Tegucigalpa” over and over again in my mind while in that half asleep state. I had no idea what that was and asked Siri about it when I got up. She responded that it is the capital city of Honduras- the country we had discussed visiting as our next step! Before I had time to tell Cameron about the “dream,” he had booked our tickets (the nontransferable kind) to San Pedro Sula in Honduras.
Fast forward a few days later… I looked at the orphanage and ministry on the map and saw that it is four hours from San Pedro Sula and only one hour from Tegucigalpa. I struggle personally with riding in the back of a vehicle because of our car accident and how I was trapped in the car for a while. It is a real challenge for me- much less the back of a hot car on South American roads. I also read about the violent crime and especially of gangs particularly in the city of San Pedro Sula. For several weeks I prayed about this and asked the Lord to give me a miracle so that when I called Delta they would agree to move our tickets to Tegucigalpa. I prayed as if it was a fleece and asked God that if they would not let us change the tickets, that it would be a sign to me that I needed to trust that we are going where we should be going. When I finally called Delta, they refused to let me make a change to the tickets even though I would’ve paid more money. I was so discouraged when I got off the phone. I know that I told the Lord I was believing Him to work it out, but secretly there was like a P.S. attached to my prayer. The P.S. said “I have a plan so even though I am praying, I am counting on you to work out my plan, k?” I was going through the motions of trusting God, but ultimately I was trusting Him to do what I thought needed to be done. I felt like God must have not read that secret P.S. attached to my prayers!
The struggle has continued and become even more real for me the last few days. I’m one of those people who can really only focus on the very next thing in front of me… It was Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and then a wonderful trip to visit my brand-new niece in Florida. Now the thing in front of me is my trip to Honduras. I am reading about traveling there trying to educate myself and most of the things that I’m reading are making me feel, well, less than full of faith. I don’t want to go this way. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to be confident and prayed up and ready to face this challenge with courage and bravery, full of the Spirit. But how I want to be and how I actually feel inside are very different. I look back and I see that the Lord has brought so much healing since Makiah died. It has been a miraculous journey… but I have also recalled recently in the first draft of the final chapter of my book about her story that there seemed to be warnings and dreams shortly before her death. Having just written this brought those things firmly to my memory. What timing! And with hindsight it seems I should’ve known. But I know deep down that there is no way I could have known. Here I am facing this trip where we are flying into what seems to be the wrong airport and I’ve woken up to the words “Tegucigalpa” in my mind and… well you get the picture! But I know that this is a new level of trust with the Lord… A place I have not been since before Makiah died. And I feel it is shaky ground. I was sure that I trusted Him to follow through with what I thought was my good plan to get this all straightened out, but God had a different opinion. And the way things are working out now, the bottom line is I’m not in control. I can’t change these plane tickets. I didn’t book these plane tickets. I have absolutely no control over what the conditions of this trip will be. And I know that God is calling me to trust that He is working in my circumstances. I have been very honest with the Lord the last few days. I am not afraid of death. But I know the terrible pain that it brings, and I do not want my children to experience that while they are young.
All of this culminated in a tearful conversation over coffee and breakfast with my sweet sister-in-law. She spoke words of comradery and wisdom and courage to my heart. When I left her house in Florida, I went to the store and picked up flowers to take to Makiah‘s grave which is on the way home. I drove past our old house where we brought her home from the hospital, where she had her first two birthday parties, where she learned to crawl and walk and talk and give slobbery kisses. I went by the preschool and saw the beautiful butterfly bench still there in her honor. I couldn’t help but notice that it’s right next to the funeral home, and I thought of all those mornings dropping her off at the preschool and that I never once imagined I would be taking her there, too.
I got to the gravesite and saw the beautiful Christmas tree my parents had left. I had to wrestle it out of the stone vase attached to her headstone and it was full of water and a little messy. After I got her flowers arranged I stood there staring at that stone and the beautiful pink flowers and a balloon that said I loved my cutie pie. And I looked around at the other people that I knew whose names had been carved on headstones even since we buried my little one. The graveyard was brand new when she was laid to rest, but it’s beginning to fill in. And I felt something lift as I stood there. Determination began to fill my heart to live while I still can. Living does not mean playing it safe. Jesus said the ones He knows are the ones who do the will of His Father in heaven. So as I stood there looking at that cold hard stone in contrast to the cheerful pink flowers, I knew this is another level of letting go, releasing what I think is best, and embracing what God thinks is best. After all I could never have orchestrated the events of the past year. I could not keep Makiah safe. And I certainly can’t keep us safe. All those ideas are really just an illusion of control. A lie that I have believed.
The last two days of 2019 my family made a quick, spontaneous trip to Chattanooga, Tennessee. Cameron wanted to take the girls to Rock City on Lookout Mountain and also to Ruby Falls deep beneath the mountain. Both are things that I’m afraid of. I don’t like heights- never have. And since the car accident, I have had issues with claustrophobia (like sitting in the back of a car or going 16 stories under a mountain!). I read the reviews. I saw pictures of the 200 foot swinging bridge over a ravine that I would have to cross with my four small children, and I felt afraid. But I decided we should do it. I decided that on the last day of 2019, I wanted to do something that I was afraid of. And when we got to that bridge I didn’t look down. I fixed my eyes on the back of Cameron’s sweatshirt, grasped the hand of my five-year-old tightly and said outloud to myself, “Courage is doing it afraid.” I repeated my mantra as we walked across the bridge even when my fearless seven-year-old decided to jump insanely, laugh hilariously, and make the bridge swing violently beneath my feet. And I was oh so glad when I took that last step onto the firm ground. The very second it was behind me, I was glad we did it. There are many things I want to pass on to my children, but fear is not one of them. We can pray, we can worship, we can bind up demons, and we can fill our minds with scripture. But the bottom line is- sometimes we just have to do it afraid… fix our eyes on Jesus and don’t look down.
I feel crossing that rickety bridge to close out the year 2019 and opening 2020 with this trip to Honduras (that is not going the way I planned!) are both prophetic and significant for me. We don’t know how much time we have on this earth so we shouldn’t waste it worrying about the things we can’t control. Our circumstances are an opportunity to determine if we will make a choice to follow God based on our feelings (which are whimisical) or our faith. Will we trust Him conditionally or will we choose full surrender and doing-it-afraid trust?
Lord, help me to be present with those I love each day as I face the task in front of me. Help me to relinquish my tight grip on my life and to do the will of my Father who is in heaven. Help me to trust You until the shaky ground under my feet becomes firm. I believe Your Word is true. I believe that You and Your words are more reliable than our past experiences. I always want the words of Isaiah to be on my lips,”Yes Lord- send me.” Break the power of the lies I have believed with the truth of your Word, and thank you for caring enough to allow my circumstances to bring them to surface of my heart where your light exposes them- the only way the darkness is made to flee and we can walk in freedom.
For about 18 months the Lord has been opening doors for Cameron (my husband) and our church to do more ministry through missions. It has been so exciting to see the hand of God work providentially to bring about things that have been prayed over for decades. I am one who generally takes forever to make a decision to move forward in anything (whether it’s buying a rug or making a big commitment). My hubby on the other hand is certainly not a procrastinator. We need each other for sure! This has been an adventure that I feel confident about, and the thing I have felt continually is “Do the thing in front of you.”
The next thing in front of me is that Cameron and I are going to Honduras to put boots on the ground and see a ministry that we and our church may be getting more involved with. I haven’t been on a mission trip since I started having babies. Last year I dreamed I was going through customs and woke up knowing I needed to get my passport. Fast forward through this year of God moving, and here I am going with Cameron for the first time in ages.
Before we booked our tickets a few months ago, while Cameron was in Poland on a mission trip, I woke up one morning hearing the word “Tegucigalpa” over and over again in my mind while in that half asleep state. I had no idea what that was and asked Siri about it when I got up. She responded that it is the capital city of Honduras- the country we had discussed visiting as our next step! Before I had time to tell Cameron about the “dream,” he had booked our tickets (the nontransferable kind) to San Pedro Sula in Honduras.
Fast forward a few days later… I looked at the orphanage and ministry on the map and saw that it is four hours from San Pedro Sula and only one hour from Tegucigalpa. I struggle personally with riding in the back of a vehicle because of our car accident and how I was trapped in the car for a while. It is a real challenge for me- much less the back of a hot car on South American roads. I also read about the violent crime and especially of gangs particularly in the city of San Pedro Sula. For several weeks I prayed about this and asked the Lord to give me a miracle so that when I called Delta they would agree to move our tickets to Tegucigalpa. I prayed as if it was a fleece and asked God that if they would not let us change the tickets, that it would be a sign to me that I needed to trust that we are going where we should be going. When I finally called Delta, they refused to let me make a change to the tickets even though I would’ve paid more money. I was so discouraged when I got off the phone. I know that I told the Lord I was believing Him to work it out, but secretly there was like a P.S. attached to my prayer. The P.S. said “I have a plan so even though I am praying, I am counting on you to work out my plan, k?” I was going through the motions of trusting God, but ultimately I was trusting Him to do what I thought needed to be done. I felt like God must have not read that secret P.S. attached to my prayers!
The struggle has continued and become even more real for me the last few days. I’m one of those people who can really only focus on the very next thing in front of me… It was Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and then a wonderful trip to visit my brand-new niece in Florida. Now the thing in front of me is my trip to Honduras. I am reading about traveling there trying to educate myself and most of the things that I’m reading are making me feel, well, less than full of faith. I don’t want to go this way. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to be confident and prayed up and ready to face this challenge with courage and bravery, full of the Spirit. But how I want to be and how I actually feel inside are very different. I look back and I see that the Lord has brought so much healing since Makiah died. It has been a miraculous journey… but I have also recalled recently in the first draft of the final chapter of my book about her story that there seemed to be warnings and dreams shortly before her death. Having just written this brought those things firmly to my memory. What timing! And with hindsight it seems I should’ve known. But I know deep down that there is no way I could have known. Here I am facing this trip where we are flying into what seems to be the wrong airport and I’ve woken up to the words “Tegucigalpa” in my mind and… well you get the picture! But I know that this is a new level of trust with the Lord… A place I have not been since before Makiah died. And I feel it is shaky ground. I was sure that I trusted Him to follow through with what I thought was my good plan to get this all straightened out, but God had a different opinion. And the way things are working out now, the bottom line is I’m not in control. I can’t change these plane tickets. I didn’t book these plane tickets. I have absolutely no control over what the conditions of this trip will be. And I know that God is calling me to trust that He is working in my circumstances. I have been very honest with the Lord the last few days. I am not afraid of death. But I know the terrible pain that it brings, and I do not want my children to experience that while they are young.
All of this culminated in a tearful conversation over coffee and breakfast with my sweet sister-in-law. She spoke words of comradery and wisdom and courage to my heart. When I left her house in Florida, I went to the store and picked up flowers to take to Makiah‘s grave which is on the way home. I drove past our old house where we brought her home from the hospital, where she had her first two birthday parties, where she learned to crawl and walk and talk and give slobbery kisses. I went by the preschool and saw the beautiful butterfly bench still there in her honor. I couldn’t help but notice that it’s right next to the funeral home, and I thought of all those mornings dropping her off at the preschool and that I never once imagined I would be taking her there, too.
I got to the gravesite and saw the beautiful Christmas tree my parents had left. I had to wrestle it out of the stone vase attached to her headstone and it was full of water and a little messy. After I got her flowers arranged I stood there staring at that stone and the beautiful pink flowers and a balloon that said I loved my cutie pie. And I looked around at the other people that I knew whose names had been carved on headstones even since we buried my little one. The graveyard was brand new when she was laid to rest, but it’s beginning to fill in. And I felt something lift as I stood there. Determination began to fill my heart to live while I still can. Living does not mean playing it safe. Jesus said the ones He knows are the ones who do the will of His Father in heaven. So as I stood there looking at that cold hard stone in contrast to the cheerful pink flowers, I knew this is another level of letting go, releasing what I think is best, and embracing what God thinks is best. After all I could never have orchestrated the events of the past year. I could not keep Makiah safe. And I certainly can’t keep us safe. All those ideas are really just an illusion of control. A lie that I have believed.
The last two days of 2019 my family made a quick, spontaneous trip to Chattanooga, Tennessee. Cameron wanted to take the girls to Rock City on Lookout Mountain and also to Ruby Falls deep beneath the mountain. Both are things that I’m afraid of. I don’t like heights- never have. And since the car accident, I have had issues with claustrophobia (like sitting in the back of a car or going 16 stories under a mountain!). I read the reviews. I saw pictures of the 200 foot swinging bridge over a ravine that I would have to cross with my four small children, and I felt afraid. But I decided we should do it. I decided that on the last day of 2019, I wanted to do something that I was afraid of. And when we got to that bridge I didn’t look down. I fixed my eyes on the back of Cameron’s sweatshirt, grasped the hand of my five-year-old tightly and said outloud to myself, “Courage is doing it afraid.” I repeated my mantra as we walked across the bridge even when my fearless seven-year-old decided to jump insanely, laugh hilariously, and make the bridge swing violently beneath my feet. And I was oh so glad when I took that last step onto the firm ground. The very second it was behind me, I was glad we did it. There are many things I want to pass on to my children, but fear is not one of them. We can pray, we can worship, we can bind up demons, and we can fill our minds with scripture. But the bottom line is- sometimes we just have to do it afraid… fix our eyes on Jesus and don’t look down.
I feel crossing that rickety bridge to close out the year 2019 and opening 2020 with this trip to Honduras (that is not going the way I planned!) are both prophetic and significant for me. We don’t know how much time we have on this earth so we shouldn’t waste it worrying about the things we can’t control. Our circumstances are an opportunity to determine if we will make a choice to follow God based on our feelings (which are whimisical) or our faith. Will we trust Him conditionally or will we choose full surrender and doing-it-afraid trust?
Lord, help me to be present with those I love each day as I face the task in front of me. Help me to relinquish my tight grip on my life and to do the will of my Father who is in heaven. Help me to trust You until the shaky ground under my feet becomes firm. I believe Your Word is true. I believe that You and Your words are more reliable than our past experiences. I always want the words of Isaiah to be on my lips,”Yes Lord- send me.” Break the power of the lies I have believed with the truth of your Word, and thank you for caring enough to allow my circumstances to bring them to surface of my heart where your light exposes them- the only way the darkness is made to flee and we can walk in freedom.
Rachel, you inspire me! Your writing is excellent and I was thoroughly edifies!! Thank you and remember Psalm 23 - “ I shall not want”. Love you and have a fabulous time in Honduras!!!
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